1. The Eddie "concept" is incredibly gay.
Because what better way is there for a band to burnish their credentials as serious artists than to put an over-sized cartoon zombie on all of their album covers and then pay a man in a rubber zombie suit to prance all over the stage during their live shows? It sure has helped them to capture the prized "10-year olds with Down's Syndrome" demographic, though. Gimmick bands are by definition terrible, and Maiden's gimmick is perhaps the most threadbare of them all.
2. Their lyrics appeal only to 12 year old boys or Dungeons & Dragons-playing losers.
How many songs can one band write about elves and hobbits? Well, if the band in question is Iron Maiden, then the answer is apparently never too many. Still, whenever they run out of lyrical themes to steal directly from Tolkein, they can always rely on their own imaginations to create songs with interesting and thought-provoking themes like killing people and worshipping Satan.
3. They need three - that's right, THREE - guitarists.
Funny how Black Sabbath managed to get by perfectly OK with just one, isn't it? But I guess that's because Tony Iommi actually had talent. Not content with mangling their own tunes through their two original and profoundly untalented guitarists, they were later forced to draft in Janick Gers, whose sole qualifications for the position appeared to be his ability to throw his guitar into the air periodically and to horribly botch every solo that he has ever attempted.
4. The lead singer sounds like a castrated chipmunk.
Perhaps I'm old-fashioned, but I'd always been under the impression that a metal vocalist was supposed to have a powerful voice. Indeed, the harsh and aggressive nature of the music tends to lend itself perfectly to the brutal vocal stylings of artists such as Slayer's Tom Araya or Killswitch's Howard Jones. Bruce Dickinson's vocals, on the other hand, are about as brutal as a Carebears Christmas Special. Put him in a dress and he could be Julie Andrews in The Sound Of Music. Perhaps when his balls finally decide to drop he might become a decent metal vocalist, but until that day arrives he will remain an embarrassment to the genre.
5. They only have one song.
Galloping riff. Second galloping riff. Bruce screeches for a bit. Twin guitar solo. Bruce screeches some more. Another galloping riff. Rinse and repeat.
6. The Blaze Bayley era.
When Bruce Dickinson mercifully decided that even he could stand the band no longer, there was a chance that Maiden might at last hire a real singer and work on actually becoming a decent band. Instead, they chose perhaps the only vocalist in the world who was less talented than Bruce. Blaze Bayley had a voice that only a mother could love. His range was one-sixteenth of an octave, and his vocals were so grating that even Fran Drescher couldn't bear to listen to them.
7. Nicko McBrain is a Christian.
It's one thing for a band to sing juvenile tripe about their dark lord Satan if they actually believe in all that nonsense, but the fact that Maiden's drummer just happens to be a Bible Bashing fundie makes the hypocrisy of the whole situation simply beyond belief (no pun intended!) Perhaps he could pray to Jesus to find himself a more talented band to play with.
8. The Rime Of The Ancient Mariner.
Only a band as uniquely awful as Iron Maiden could take one of the classics of 19th century literature and transform it into a yawn-inducing 15 minute composition of stagnant, mindless torpor. This song moves at the pace of an arthritic snail, and is about as interesting as attending a lecture on the rise of feminism in post-colonial societies. And if you want to know just how bad Maiden's songwriting can get, there is actually a period in the middle of this song which is essentially nothing but two minutes of silence... I guess we should be thankful for small mercies.
9. They should have retired 20 years ago.
As laughable as the material that supposedly comprises Maiden's "Golden Years" truly is, compared to their more recent vomitings-forth they were no doubt a veritable El Dorado. I'll say this for Maiden: it takes a lot of nerve to blatantly recycle riffs that were no good even the first time round. Still, at least their newest album "A Matter Of Life And Death" finally shows some form of progression from the band: their songs are now both twice as long AND twice as boring.
10. They're the biggest sellouts in music.
Surely nothing could be more hilarious than hearing deluded Maiden fans blabbering on about how their band have "stayed true" and "always been about the music", while at the same time handing over their latest unemployment cheque in order to buy Maiden's five zillionth "Best-Of" compilation CD. That's of course on top of all the Maiden lunchboxes, Maiden figurines, Maiden playing cards, and even Maiden wines (!) that they own. Gene Simmons has nothing on Iron Maiden, but then at least KISS fans have always realized that their band is a joke.
I'm expressing my personal views on a metal band is therefore well within the bounds of proper forum talk, whether I like that band or not. I happen to believe that Maiden are extremely over-rated within the metal community, and wanted to see how many other people agreed with me. So don't act like a tard and try and flame me, because you won't win.
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