Post 40k jokes here.


Father Flannius was filling out reports on suspected heretics in his cathedral sacristy when the doors were suddenly thrown open and in clomps an adeptus mechanicus tech priest unannounced. "WE HAVE PREFORMED THE CONVERSION RITE UPON THE CONDEMNED HERETIC YOU SENT US 23.476 STANDARD TERRAN DAYS AGO. THE NEW UNIT YOU REQUESTED THE HERETIC BE CONVERTED INTO IS IN MY TRANSPORT VAN OUTSIDE THIS STRUCTURE." the tech priest blats thru his vox implant.

Suppressing his annoyance at the disrespect the tech priest is showing the eccliasiarchy, father flannius says "Well, bring him in then, we have his cell prepared."

The tech priest blats out "NEGATIVE. MY OBLIGATION IS TO DELIVER THE FINISHED PRODUCT. I AM NOT OBLIGATED TO CONVEY IT INTO THIS STRUCTURE. YOU MUST PROVIDE LABOR UNITS TO TRANSFER THE NEW UNIT TO IT'S CONFINEMENT FACILITY."

Irritated but wishing to be rid of the arrogant metal heretic father Flannius stomps out of his office in the sacristy, summons two your strong alter serfs to follow him and goes out to the Adeptus Mechanicus transport van. The tech priest enters the code to open the secured doors.

As they swing open a horribly, leprous green cloud of gas billows out thru them. Father Flannius, a veteran, instinctively jumps back, drops and rolls away as per his imperial guard training. The alter serfs are caught unprepared and enveloped in the horrid gas. They both barely have time to choke out a shriek of horror before falling to the ground, dying even as they collapse.

At a safe distance father Flannius rises, steps to the side of the expanding cloud and roars in fury "Wretched follower of a false god! What have you done?!?!"

The tech priest, unaffected by the gas thanks to his artificial respiratory system blares "WE HAVE DONE AS YOU ASKED. DO NOT INSULT US OR DEFAME OUR GOD IF YOU CANNOT DEAL WITH WHAT YOU REQUESTED."

Confused, Flanniun snaps "What do you mean, what we asked for? We certainl didn't ask for anything like that!" he points to the open van doors, thru which a toxic green cloud still billows.

The tech priest extends a dataslate with a mechadendrite. Father flannius snatches it out of the metal claw and studies it for a moment before bellowing "You Idiots ! We wanted that heretic converted into a deadly flagellan t, not a deadly flatulent! "

I can't think of any jokes off the top of my head, but I have compiled several amusing anecdotes so far from my time as a GM. (Most of my group loves to joke around and doesn't take things too seriously.)

The groups Librarian tried to take a ton of books and data slates out of the Watch Fortresses library while the actual librarian pleaded with him to stop, desperately clinging to him while he just kept on walking. He eventually bumps into a Black Templar tactical marine and just keeps walking without apologizing while the Black Templar fumes at him. (The Black Templar now has a grudge against this Player Character.)

The Space Wolf Techmarine got himself and bunch of Tech Priests drunk on Fenrisian Ale and he welded a tech priestess's feet to the top of a 20ft ceiling. The Magos was both baffled at how he pulled it off drunk and infuriated that he actually did it.

One of the players bonded with an Inquisitor's five-year-old daughter who was climbing all over him by giving her an Astartes knife to play with and teaching her how to use it. The Inquisitor's office itself was filled with toys for young children next to instruments of interrogation and data slates filled with dire news from all over the Imperium.

Their Storm Warden Watch Captain, who looks and talks like Sean Connery, greeting them while wearing a kilt and playing the bagpipes very badly.

The Librarian wildly and savagely shooting at a hologram of a Dark Eldar succubus, for five minutes, simply because he really hates Dark Eldar.

Having them hitch a ride in an Ork Trukk on their way to the Ork ship, at first staring awkwardly at each other, and eventually, kind of bonding with da boyz over a rousing game of Gretchen punting, a.k.a. kicking the Gretchens out of the back of the Trukk.

Tanhauser: Even in the Grim Darkness of the 41st millennium there are fart jokes.

Kaiser: That last one smells like HERESY !

I thought about lifting jokes from the thread linked below, but I don't want to deprive the people there of the credit they are due. It's on a 40K TT wargaming forum, so some jokes may not be so relevant, but there are some pretty great ones.

I hope I'm not breaking any rules . . .

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/topic/306096-wh40k-jokes/

here's my personal favorite, and one of the most liked posts on the forum:

A Night Lord and a Word Bearer have been tasked with doing Horus's laundry. They are having a debate on the merits of using Daemons to aid in the task.

"You know Daemons can help us, Sev," the Word Bearer cries, "for the power of the warp cares not for time or space - Tzeentch's warpfire can have the laundry done before we even start it!"

"I have no need for your magicks to help us, Ron," replied the Night Lord. "Using only the power of fear, I can scare the water straight out of the Warmaster's clothes."

An Iron Warrior enters.

"I can finish this task without any petty tricks," he growled.

"Show us then!" challenged the Night Lord.

Wordlessly, the Iron Warrior opened a compartment in his power armor and stuffed Horus's clothes inside. Moments later, he opened the compartment and removed Horus's clothes - steam-pressed, pristine, and cleaned.

The Night Lord and Word Bearer stood mouth agape.

"B-b-but how ?" questioned the Word Bearer.

The Iron Warrior laughed. "You two forget the motto of the Iron Warriors!"

" Iron Within - Ironed Without! "

And in a different place I read a story about space marines haveing to participate in a formal dance with baseline humans (it used the characters from the Mournival). I more or less asked how the Emperor would dance, seeing as he is over 30,000 years old at the time of the Crusade, and got this response:

In 30,000 years he must've had to at some point. There's even an ancient illustra-vid about a "groove" he pioneered.

That really cracked me up. The actual story is pretty great too.

Link: http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/topic/323966-treat-it-like-a-duel/

Ah I'm bad a t jokes: I do silly conversations that could come out of some messed up 40k sitcom:

What would happen if another chaos god would save the eldar from Slaanesh:

Nurgle already saved Isha from Slaanesh' clutches... Imagine if he decides to adopt the entire eldar race aswell just to ef with Slaanesh.

Meanwhile in the warp:

Slaanesh: "NUUUUUUUUUUUURGLE!!!!"

Tzeentch: "Gesundheit!"

Nurgle: "Khorne, is that you?"

Slaanesh: "It's me Slaanesh, you idiot!"

Nurgle: Oh I didn't recongise you looking all angry like that, you know, red with anger isn't a good look for you."

Slaanesh: "Zip it you zit!"

Nurgle: "Now calm down and tell grandfather Nurgle what got your undies in a twist, girlyboy."

Slaanesh:"You damned well know what, Nurgle! You stole my Eldar!"

Nurgle: "Call me Papa. And they are my Eldar now, such frail bodies to bestow my gifts upon."

Slaanesh: "Ok thats it! Khorne, Lemme borrow your axe!"

Khorne: "NO! NO WEAK EFFEMINATE GODLING SHALL LAY HANDS-"

Slaanesh: "I said: NOW!!!"

Khorne: "okay"

Tzeentch: "Better get ready to run, Papa!"

Nurgle: "Oh shut up Tzee- uh oh."

Slaanesh: "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

Some other old stuff i found:

The redacted Last will and testament of the Emperor :

I, being the Emperor of mankind and uniter of Terra, being of sound mind and not at all corupted by chaos, do hereby bequeath my possessions to the following persons:

To my beloved son Horus: The imperium and all it's fleets and armies nothing.

To my son Leman Russ: My collection of ancient duitchgermanic beer steins.

Txxxxsonxxxsigmarxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

To my dear departed son Ferrus Manus: Nothing

To my effeminate preening peacock of a son Fulgrim: nothing

To my missing son Vulkan: That ancient hammer with the twin tailed comet engraved on it ,that you always wanted.

To my son Rogal Dorn: The Outer palace, provided he puts it back in pristine condition!

To my son Rowboat Girlyman Roboute Guilliman: The Imperium, since he might well conquer it if i don't give it to him.

To my disobediant son Magnus the Red: The imperial domains in the webway nothing

To my angelic son Sanguinius: You already have your old man's good looks, what more could you need?

To my son Lion El johnson: My collection of swords and armor.

To my son, siegeboy Perturabo: the inner palace nothing.

To my creepy son Mortarion: A special mulilung implant so you won't need that rebreather nothing.

To my whining son Lorgar: A letter of appology nothing.

To my prodigal son Jagathai: My fastest battlebarge.

To my very creepy and emo son Conrad Curze: Some happy pills and i'll change his name to Nighthaunter like he wanted me to from day one . nothing.

To my angry son Angron: A hug and the deactivation device for the butchers nails . nothing.

To my missing son Corax: my favorite landspeeder. the one with the cloaking device.

xxmy sxxxxyourxxxxxxxxxnamexxxxxxxxxxxxherexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

To my son s Alpharius and Omegon: Seriously i have no idea what you guys want . nothing

what if the primarchs were all raised together and not scattered about the galaxy?

que theme music "Primarch babies"

Emperor: " Russ quit biting El johnson! Magnus stop that! Lorgar, are you building a temple out of blocks again? Fulgrim, don't pull on Sanguinus' feathers! Magnus, I told you to stop that! Has anybody seen Corax? Angron, don't throw your toys at me! Perturabo, don't kick over Dorn's building blocks! Conrad don't look at me like that! Alpharius? why are you wearing Roboute's clothes? Put those back! Jagathai get back here! Oh great, and now Mortarion is sick! ... MALCADOR ! wanna give me a hand with these **** kids!?"

Omegon? Not ringing any bells, I'm sorry to say...

Why ogryn don't carry heavy flamers:

Yup flamer s is good but i never understood why only marine vets and terminators get heavy flamer s.

Same for ogryn: if they are smart enough to figure out a ripper gun than they should be able to handle "tube-with-button, push button-flame comes out." weapons.

Wait I figured it out why ogryn don't get heavy flamer s:

Commisar: "Roight lads! Get in the chimera!"

Bone 'ead: "Dawut?"

Commisar: "The metal box on threads!"

Bone 'ead: "Oh da armored troop carrier, roight got it!"

Dork the Ogryn: "But iz dark in dere!"

Bone 'ead: "dumbaz! we gots da tiny flame fer lightz!"

Dork: "Oh yez! still dark! Me make flame bigga!"

Commisar: "no wai-"

Chimera: BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!

Enginseer: "That's the third time this week..."

Omegon? Not ringing any bells, I'm sorry to say...

Ok spoilers ahead:

In the HH novel "Legion it is revealed that

Tanhauser: Even in the Grim Darkness of the 41st millennium there are fart jokes.

Kaiser: That last one smells like HERESY !

of course there are fart jokes in the 41 st millennium. What else would nurgle laugh about?

Also in the first edition of 40k before it got all serious there were a lot ofh them too. The White dwarf article that5 introduced ork dreadnought had a bit about an ork in a disabled can waitng for a mek to come fix it passing the time by breaking wind and thinking it'fd be better if he still had his nose.

The ork shokk attack gunn used to project a stream of snotlings thru the warp intoi the tar4get and they would proceed to defecate and flatulate to badly the fumes would kill or incapacite people in vehicles and bunkers. One result of using a shokk attack gun on a dreadnought was that a snotling defecated in the pilot's ear, causing distraction.

Then it got all serious and you could do crude jokes any more or have suicide bomber miniatures and rules....

Tanhauser: Even in the Grim Darkness of the 41st millennium there are fart jokes.

Kaiser: That last one smells like HERESY !

of course there are fart jokes in the 41 st millennium. What else would nurgle laugh about?

Also in the first edition of 40k before it got all serious there were a lot ofh them too. The White dwarf article that5 introduced ork dreadnought had a bit about an ork in a disabled can waitng for a mek to come fix it passing the time by breaking wind and thinking it'fd be better if he still had his nose.

The ork shokk attack gunn used to project a stream of snotlings thru the warp intoi the tar4get and they would proceed to defecate and flatulate to badly the fumes would kill or incapacite people in vehicles and bunkers. One result of using a shokk attack gun on a dreadnought was that a snotling defecated in the pilot's ear, causing distraction.

Then it got all serious and you could do crude jokes any more or have suicide bomber miniatures and rules....

I mean, Orks still have some of that silliness. They stick out of the grimdark like a big, green, sore thumb, and it's wonderful.

Orkz iz best!

On the other hand you have an entire faction of killer clowns from outer space who follow a "laughing god" and do you think they do jokes? Nope! At least I don't think they do. Maybe they got a real good one lined up, and anything that's not eldar is gonna be the butt of it...

http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Electro-priest

How many tech priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3

One Corpuscanii who demands the light remains lit forever, One Fulgurite who demans it never be turned on to save power, and one lowly enginseer to actualy change the lumen globe while the other two argue.

What would happen if a rogue trader had a mercenary ork mek and a tech priest work on the same engine:

Techpriest : "Now, first, we shall rouse and wake the dormant machine spirits..."

Mekaniak: *starts hitting machines with his spanner* "OI! WAKE UP YOU LAZY DOLTS!"

Tech priest: "D'oooooooooooooooh!"

What's the difference between imperial guard emergency rations and bowling balls?

If you had to, you could eat a bowling ball.

What's the difference between imperial guardsmen and potato chips?

A hive tyrant could eat just one potato chip.

An imperator titan steps on a bar... No wait

What's the difference between a guardsman and his kit?

A guardsman is replacable.*

* This is actually how the adeptus munitorum thinks. I'm sad now.

Okay one more from Emperor and sons!

The Emperor: "Wait-HOW many kids do i have again?"

Malcador: " 20, sir."

Emperor: "Ah. Good."

Malcador: "Give or take."

Emperor:" What? Bah! I'll count 'em myself. Twenty, minus two, carry the one, then there's Conrad Curze and Nighthaunter, thats two more..."

Malcador: "Conrad curze IS Night haunter, mylord!"

Emperor: "What? so just the one. But Alpharius and Omegon are two individuals?"

Malcador. "Yes."

Malcador: "I think."

Emperor: "MALCADOR!"

I really like portraying the Emperor and malcador as an old married couple.

So a Necron warrior walks into a bar

So a Necron warrior walks into a bar

So a Necron warrior walks into a bar

So a Necron warrior walks into a bar

So a Necron warrior walks into a bar

So a Necron warrior walks into a bar

So a Necron warrior walks into a bar

So a Necron warrior walks into a bar

So a Necron warrior walks into a bar

So a Necron warrior walks into a bar

Results of the first Annual necron limbo competition were less than rousing.

A sister of battle, a deathwatch marine and a grey knight are in a bar debating over who has the most courage. Loser buys the drinks.

The sister says "I've faced a chaos space marine with just my faith and a flamer, and killed him by ramming my flamer into a breach in his armor and cooking him in it!"

The deathwatch marine says "I leaped at a tyranid carnifex, jumped up on it's claws as it swung them at me, stood on it's venom cannon and killed it by ramming a plasma grenade into it's gigantic mouth!!"

The grey knight says "I dispatched a bloodthirster by using my Nemesis halberd to pole fault into it's face and ramming the end of it into it's eye!|"

A guardsman walks up and shouts "HEY!"

The three turn to glare at him.

He says " 'I've faced chaos hordes wearing this on my chest.'!" He throws his flak armor at the sister of battle.

"I've faced tyranids while wearing this on my head!" He throws his helmet at the deathwatch marine.

"And I've faced daemons with just this to fight with!" and throws his lasgun at the grey knight.

He didn't have to buy a drink in that bar the rest of the night anf his buddies had to carry him home.

So a rogue trader runs into a necron. What's the first thing he says?

''Why the long face?''

What did the deathwatch Marine with a sick sense of humor code name flayed ones?

''Skin jobs''.

How do you torment an inquisitor?

Put him in a round room and tell him there's a heretic in the corner.

How many inquisitors does it take to change a lumen globe?

None.

1 ordo malleus inquisitor to suspect daemonic activity caused the globe to burn out .

1 ordo xenos to suspect alien filth caused the globe to burn out.

1 ordo hereticus to suspect a heretical cult caused the globe to burn out.

1 ordo mechinum to refuse to let the adeptus mechanics to change the globe because it would increase their influence.

1 ordo sicarius to kill anyone trying to change the globe because he caused the globe to fail so he could hide an assassin in the shadows.

A sister of battle, a deathwatch marine and a grey knight are in a bar debating over who has the most courage. Loser buys the drinks.

The sister says "I've faced a chaos space marine with just my faith and a flamer, and killed him by ramming my flamer into a breach in his armor and cooking him in it!"

The deathwatch marine says "I leaped at a tyranid carnifex, jumped up on it's claws as it swung them at me, stood on it's venom cannon and killed it by ramming a plasma grenade into it's gigantic mouth!!"

The grey knight says "I dispatched a bloodthirster by using my Nemesis halberd to pole fault into it's face and ramming the end of it into it's eye!|"

A guardsman walks up and shouts "HEY!"

The three turn to glare at him.

He says " 'I've faced chaos hordes wearing this on my chest.'!" He throws his flak armor at the sister of battle.

"I've faced tyranids while wearing this on my head!" He throws his helmet at the deathwatch marine.

"And I've faced daemons with just this to fight with!" and throws his lasgun at the grey knight.

He didn't have to buy a drink in that bar the rest of the night anf his buddies had to carry him home.

Sigh. It's true though.

So a rogue trader runs into a necron. What's the first thing he says?

''Why the long face?''

What did the deathwatch Marine with a sick sense of humor code name flayed ones?

''Skin jobs''.

How do you torment an inquisitor?

Put him in a round room and tell him there's a heretic in the corner.

How many inquisitors does it take to change a lumen globe?

None.

1 ordo malleus inquisitor to suspect daemonic activity caused the globe to burn out .

1 ordo xenos to suspect alien filth caused the globe to burn out.

1 ordo hereticus to suspect a heretical cult caused the globe to burn out.

1 ordo mechinum to refuse to let the adeptus mechanics to change the globe because it would increase their influence.

1 ordo sicarius to kill anyone trying to change the globe because he caused the globe to fail so he could hide an assassin in the shadows.

This is wonderful.

I hope people here are mature enough to laugh at this joke and not be offended....

Slaanesh marine squad leader to captured khorne berzerker: "Well, I have some bad news and some good news for you."

Khorne berzerker: " RARGH! "

Slaaneshi leader: "First the bad news: As an offering to our god, my squad and I are going to gang**** you to death tonight,"

Khorne berzerker: " RRRAAAAAARRRGH!!! "

Slaaneshi leader: "The good news is we're going to cut you first and use your blood as lube."

Khorne berzerker: "Well, that's something then..."

(I hope the joke isn't offensive, but we know that's what a lot of chaos forces do. I mean, they may use terms like "Subjected the people to unspeakable acts" and "sank to utter depravity as the god of pleasure claimed their souls" but we all know what they mean, right? BTW I did not use the word sounds like duck just so people won't think I even tried to drop an F bomb here. I see the board censored it so to be clear it was not to f word.)

I found out the hard way that girlfriends don't appreciate "blood for the blood god" jokes during "that time of the month."

I hope people here are mature enough to laugh at this joke and not be offended....

Slaanesh marine squad leader to captured khorne berzerker: "Well, I have some bad news and some good news for you."

Khorne berzerker: " RARGH! "

Slaaneshi leader: "First the bad news: As an offering to our god, my squad and I are going to **** you to death tonight,"

Khorne berzerker: " RRRAAAAAARRRGH!!! "

Slaaneshi leader: "The good news is we're going to cut you first and use your blood as lube."

Khorne berzerker: "Well, that's something then..."

(I hope the joke isn't offensive, but we know that's what a lot of chaos forces do. I mean, they may use terms like "Subjected the people to unspeakable acts" and "sank to utter depravity as the god of pleasure claimed their souls" but we all know what they mean, right? BTW I did not use the word sounds like duck just so people won't think I even tried to drop an F bomb here. I see the board censored it so to be clear it was not to f word.)

Khorne berzerker:"Well at least skull f*ck me then!"

Wich reminds me: there is a (to me) funny webcomic of an imperial guardsan getting tricked by a daemonette to drink "Slaanesh milk". It's not what he was expecting. (and it's NSFW so I can't link to it here)

What sells it isn't the first strip, it's the second one when the guardsman says "I'm not gonna fall for that one again!" and the daemonette puts on a commisars uniform and orders him to do it again! (while she goes "I love the emperor!")

And the 3d strip has him refusing to obey commisar daemonette, to wit she points out disobeing orders is heresy. Que big bad-ass SoB barging in, roaring "WHERE's THE HERESY?!!" wich freaks both of them out.