I do not see a thread of the above appropriate type for Only War, unless it's been renamed. Please feel free to merge if so.

This is inspired by the likes of similar for Black Crusade and Rogue Trader and features hilarious outtakes of ones greatest fails, hilarities and mishaps of Only War. War does not have to be hell and can turn out very amusing.

- When your medic character takes tech use for the demolitions aspect and tries to argue with the GM to plant explosives and try to justify a +30 medicae for "surgical strikes" just for the fun of it.

- When that same medic, rather than taking cover and drilling their enemy senseless with weapons fire like a normal human being tries to wrestle with a Tyranid Warrior like beast and shove a Krak grenade in its mouth.

- The same medic subsequently tries to bluff their way through unfamiliar territory and fields on an alien world with scattered human occupants by pretending to be a landowner and farmer with his military hunting dog...on a world where there are no such things as a dog.

...and then subsequently when asked what kind of farmer he was by the alien occupants manages to use a particular line from Tropic Thunder and is given a +10 from the GM who was trying to hold himself together.

You play only war when

-Sgt is killing tyranids with one hand while with other hand he is holding his guts.

-When sgt is better swordsman than space marine and he proves it by soloing chaos space marine

-When commander decides to charm the eldar outcast and she fall in love with him

-When players squad are sent into space hulk instead of kill team

-When commisar is scared of sgt since he has 60+ Str and intimidate at +30

-When said sgt kill the commisar in one round

-Also when 2 players fight against greater demon hovering above town while riding the valkyrie and having eldar fighter as support buying time so fleet can align to launch orbital strike.

Only in OW your characters have more succes rate than deathwatch kill team and inqusitor decides it's wastefull to execute them but they are too unpredictable to control so he dumps them again into guard so they will deal with them.

You know it's only war when one of your players write his killcount that includes lots of tyranids and chaos cultist, 2 tyranid warriors, 10 genestealers, 2 chaos space marines and a ratling. Not to mention he killed most of them solo. While another player is faster than eldar and in spare time he is dating the inquisitor.

You play only war when

-Sgt is killing tyranids with one hand while with other hand he is holding his guts.

-When sgt is better swordsman than space marine and he proves it by soloing chaos space marine

-When commander decides to charm the eldar outcast and she fall in love with him

-When players squad are sent into space hulk instead of kill team

-When commisar is scared of sgt since he has 60+ Str and intimidate at +30

-When said sgt kill the commisar in one round

-Also when 2 players fight against greater demon hovering above town while riding the valkyrie and having eldar fighter as support buying time so fleet can align to launch orbital strike.

Only in OW your characters have more succes rate than deathwatch kill team and inqusitor decides it's wastefull to execute them but they are too unpredictable to control so he dumps them again into guard so they will deal with them.

You know it's only war when one of your players write his killcount that includes lots of tyranids and chaos cultist, 2 tyranid warriors, 10 genestealers, 2 chaos space marines and a ratling. Not to mention he killed most of them solo. While another player is faster than eldar and in spare time he is dating the inquisitor.

Oh no, sir, let me tell you what Only War REALLY is. It is when

-You are treated worse in your regiment than those captured as POV by tau.

-You are supposed to hold the line against tank column with 2 REPLICAS of frag grenade - per platoon.

-You get +10 to resist fear and pinning because of death squads shooting anyone attempting to retreat.

-Said bonus is not nearly enough.

-Your 30-man platoon had 215 KIA in just 3 month.

-48 of them died because of malnutrition, 87 bled out or otherwise died because of lack of medical supplies, 11 commited suicide.

-You routinely are sent in human waves to sweep the minefields with your bodies before valuable tanks begin their attack.

-Your previous commissar was relieved of his command due to low summary execution numbers. The new one is very enthusiastic though.

-Your commanding officer has no military education and bought his place as regimental commander for political goals.

-You are allowed and encouraged to commit any crimes up to and including robbery, ****, mass murder, enslavement and torture against humans who lived under Tau rule and therefore are excommunicated. Few have moral problems with it - and tbose few are considered "weak-willed"

-The only thing you have which is not dirty, torn in multiple places or malfunctioning is your uplifting primer - your commissar is in love with this book, it seems.

-Artillery and air support hit you almost as often as they hit enemy positions

-Intelligence is always wrong

-Reinforcements are always late

-You are the most expendable asset in the whole unit.

Oh no, sir, let me tell you what Only War REALLY is. It is when

-You are treated worse in your regiment than those captured as POV by tau.

-You are supposed to hold the line against tank column with 2 REPLICAS of frag grenade - per platoon.

-You get +10 to resist fear and pinning because of death squads shooting anyone attempting to retreat.

-Said bonus is not nearly enough.

-Your 30-man platoon had 215 KIA in just 3 month.

-48 of them died because of malnutrition, 87 bled out or otherwise died because of lack of medical supplies, 11 commited suicide.

-You routinely are sent in human waves to sweep the minefields with your bodies before valuable tanks begin their attack.

-Your previous commissar was relieved of his command due to low summary execution numbers. The new one is very enthusiastic though.

-Your commanding officer has no military education and bought his place as regimental commander for political goals.

-You are allowed and encouraged to commit any crimes up to and including robbery, ****, mass murder, enslavement and torture against humans who lived under Tau rule and therefore are excommunicated. Few have moral problems with it - and tbose few are considered "weak-willed"

-The only thing you have which is not dirty, torn in multiple places or malfunctioning is your uplifting primer - your commissar is in love with this book, it seems.

-Artillery and air support hit you almost as often as they hit enemy positions

-Intelligence is always wrong

-Reinforcements are always late

-You are the most expendable asset in the whole unit.

Now THAT is finally starting to sound like Only War.

Oh no, sir, let me tell you what Only War REALLY is. It is when

-You are treated worse in your regiment than those captured as POV by tau.

-You are supposed to hold the line against tank column with 2 REPLICAS of frag grenade - per platoon.

-You get +10 to resist fear and pinning because of death squads shooting anyone attempting to retreat.

-Said bonus is not nearly enough.

-Your 30-man platoon had 215 KIA in just 3 month.

-48 of them died because of malnutrition, 87 bled out or otherwise died because of lack of medical supplies, 11 commited suicide.

-You routinely are sent in human waves to sweep the minefields with your bodies before valuable tanks begin their attack.

-Your previous commissar was relieved of his command due to low summary execution numbers. The new one is very enthusiastic though.

-Your commanding officer has no military education and bought his place as regimental commander for political goals.

-You are allowed and encouraged to commit any crimes up to and including robbery, ****, mass murder, enslavement and torture against humans who lived under Tau rule and therefore are excommunicated. Few have moral problems with it - and tbose few are considered "weak-willed"

-The only thing you have which is not dirty, torn in multiple places or malfunctioning is your uplifting primer - your commissar is in love with this book, it seems.

-Artillery and air support hit you almost as often as they hit enemy positions

-Intelligence is always wrong

-Reinforcements are always late

-You are the most expendable asset in the whole unit.

Now THAT is finally starting to sound like Only War.

Sometimes it's like this when

-you need to breach the outer hull of spaceship but instead of void suits you get a crate of lho sticks

-you don't have ammo since last shipment was delivered on planet you were 2 years ago

-you frame your girlfriend into murder so they don't shoot you for that

-your CO follow strict tactics from tactica imperialis meaning they send waves of soldiers at enemy with artilery cover except there is no artilery on planet

-when your whole company get killed by one warpsmith and you survive because he didn't noticed you in the pile of bodies

-when your teammates don't care that you are in the blast range and they decide they will honor your sacrifice

-when your commisar is fanatical bastard who value sacrifice for the emperor above all else, especially since he is not the one who dies

I will just point out that if in one of my Only war games there is a guardsman who can "solo" a chaos space marine there is only one thing that the officers will do...

They will have him detained by the commissariat immediately pending an evaluation by the Inquisition.

Because the odds of him being possessed by a daemon or something are quite high.

...If the Inquisition comes to the conclusion that there is no heresy, mutation or xenos behind this then the guardsman in question will be recruited to the Inquisition (or in the case of radical Inquisitors they may be recruited regardless of suspicions. After all what better use for tools of Chaos than to turn them against Chaos in the service of Imperium?)

Guardsman: "But it was the strenght of the Emperor that filled my body and let me strike down the chaos marine!"

Commissar: "They all say that! There is no such thing as miracles of the E-"

Sister of Battle: "WHAT?!"

Commissar: "Awww shi-"

Sister of Battle: *executes commissar for lnsuficeint faith in the God Emperor.*

Guardsman: "But it was the strenght of the Emperor that filled my body and let me strike down the chaos marine!"

Commissar: "They all say that! There is no such thing as miracles of the E-"

Sister of Battle: "WHAT?!"

Commissar: "Awww shi-"

Sister of Battle: *executes commissar for lnsuficeint faith in the God Emperor.*

More like:

Guardsman: "But it was the strenght of the Emperor that filled my body and let me strike down the chaos marine!"

Commissar: "If you are truly innocent then you have nothing to fear and will submit to be tested!"

Ministorum priest: "All miracles must be verified, tested and registered properly to protect the people from false prophets!"

Inquisitor: "Look over there!" *As everyone turns around he grabs the Guardsman and enlists him to his acolyte cell.*

There are worse things than being in an acolyte cell...

Like being in the Penal legions

and...

euh...

Yeah, Penal legions are worse.

Why would you assume that existance of traitor marines is a common knowledge among imperial guardsmen?

Why would you assume that existance of traitor marines is a common knowledge among imperial guardsmen?

Isn't it that people know about the Horus heresy but don't know the involvement of Chaos? That they just think that Horus and the others were just regular traitors?

The Horus Heresy & The Long War is it's own Forbidden Lore subject.

So no, in short order.

Your average human is in fact indoctrinated to believe that Space Marines never fall from grace.

The guys with swords chanting, "Blood for the blood god! skulls for the skull throne!" are dangerous heretics to be shot on sight.

The guys with swords chanting, "Blood for the God Emperor! Skulls for his Golden Throne!" are your allied local forces eager to assist you in brining the light of the Emperor to this world.

Try not to get them confused. Even when the locals seem to have it confused. Especially when the locals have it confused.

Disrupting relations with our allied local forces would greatly delay high command's desire for a speedy victory in this theatre of operations, and high command doesn't like having it's plans delayed. The fact that you'll be back in a year or two to put down the locals you just finished putting into power is not even on high command's planning horizon. They want victory next month, at the latest.

What "confused"?

Kill them all! The God Emperor will recongnise His own!

EXTERMINATUS EVERRRRRYYYYTHAAAANG!!!!

lol >.< My Stormtrooper was taken for witch-trials because he kept pulling off what were deemed suicide missions and then limping back into base, minus the vast majority of his team.

But you know you're playing Only War, when Imperial Guardsmen ride a Rhino into battle, using it as a deadly weapon to crush Necrons under it's treads.

I will just point out that if in one of my Only war games there is a guardsman who can "solo" a chaos space marine there is only one thing that the officers will do...

They will have him detained by the commissariat immediately pending an evaluation by the Inquisition.

Because the odds of him being possessed by a daemon or something are quite high.

...If the Inquisition comes to the conclusion that there is no heresy, mutation or xenos behind this then the guardsman in question will be recruited to the Inquisition (or in the case of radical Inquisitors they may be recruited regardless of suspicions. After all what better use for tools of Chaos than to turn them against Chaos in the service of Imperium?)

Well it's not my fault that game mechanics allow characters to be super powerfull melee fighter. And honestly i don't see a point to GM when characters will die from commisar or burn for heresy while doing nothing wrong. Grimdark is fun but too much grimdark lead to grotesque. While i agree that mostly they would be recruited into ranks of inqusition i don't want to Gm dark heresy right now. Look at Ciaphas Cain novels, there you can see that sometimes it's better to use people without directly recruit them. SgtLazarus is correct than common human know nothing about HH and traitor legions even about chaos (excluding Cadia i suppose), some don't even know that emperor died.

Back to topic

You know you're playing Only War when you encounter renegade guardsmen from your own company in the ruins of a formerly civilized city, you both shoot at each other while retreating, and NO ONE gets hit because you all have a ballistic skill of 27.

When the squad sergeant can't field execute his men because his ballistic skill is actually worse.

When your squad defies orders to explore a sewer, only to find out that the sewer is crawling with mutants, psykers, and a chaos space marine. Nobody makes it out.

(A few things: the Horus heresy and the existence of the traitor legions is known, but details about them are the Forbidden lore part. same is true of some aliens. Their existence isn't secret, but any factual knowledge of them beyond that is.)

If you refer to the DKK as 'posers', you may be playing OW as the Armageddon Steel Legion.

If you have ever seen a commissar sword fight a Nob on the top of a speeding chimera, you may be playing OW as the Armageddon Steel Legion.

if you have ever driven a chimera into SPACE just to prove it could be done, you may be playing OW as the Armageddon Steel Legion.

If you have a maneuver that involves the words 'chimera' 'titan' and 'fast ball special' you may be playing OW as the Armageddon Steel Legion.

If you have ever been surprised to lean that other regiments have never seen an ork before, you may be playing OW as the Armageddon Steel Legion.

If you are surprised to discover that fire fights can take place at distances greater than 'point blank', you may be playing OW as the Armageddon Steel Legion.

When atsartes call your team for backup.

-Your Imperial Infantryman's Handbook informs you that:

A) Orks are weaker than men

B) Eldar are cowardly and their antiquated technology is inferior to your Lasgun

C) Tyranids are slow and have short blunt claws

D) All of the above

- When you charge a Stormboy and only just not die

- When a Commissar (NPC) whose heresy-sense tingled, detecting a sanctioned psyker loosing control from 8km away and adjusts a Basilisk's aim to execute him. (That's the explanation we came up with, basically, perils of the warp, blood rain, and then a basilisk shell scattered onto him)

You know your playing only war when none of your players have not read the uplifting primer, and think guardsmen are just idiots with lasguns.

...When you know nothing about the setting apart from the copy of Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer that your GM gave you before the game and suffer a traumatic breakdown as you notice that the "orks" you just shot were just grots and the REAL Orks aren't just puny little creatures with malfunctioning weapons...

WELCOME TO IMPERIAL GUARD!

You know you're playing Only War when what was supposed to be a gritty, grimdark story becomes The Expendables.

Could be worse:

It could have become G.I.JOE...

Alpha legion marine: "Cobraaaa! Retreat!"