https://www.dropbox.com/s/sykwor71q8q142t/Thunder%20Dragons%20Space%20Marines%20Draft%201.pdf

I'm working on a custom Chapter as an option for my group the next time I run the game. This is the first draft of their rules, and after it has been suitably balanced by the folks here, I have intentions for two Advanced specialties (Milam Disciple and Phowa Disciple) and intend on making a couple relics for them. I know the file ain't pretty, really just a word document, but again, first draft.

In particular, I'd like someone to look at the rules for the Wrath of the Dragon King Psychic power, because it's probably imbalanced in six directions at this point.

Your file appears to have been deleted/moved and isn't there at the moment.

HERP. There, I fixed the link.

Love the colour scheme. Havent read the fluff too much yet but will do. Nice Primarchs curse too, I like the whole risk of falling into a long meditative sleep when you hit too much insanity.

With regards to Wrath of the Dragon King, I would say dont use the Ballistic Skill of the Librarian to aim. Things like Smite for example function like a BS skill but use the psykers Willpower to target (with all modifiers applied for range etc). Since you're controlling it, I would recommend keeping it as WP to direct its psychic wrath.

Damages wise for balance, number crunching may help us assess, assume we're playing with a strength 6 Librarian, give him a Wp of 60 (if needed, simple rounded numbers)

You have enforced it must be used at Push level so that makes it effective rating of 9. Each hit you're doing 1D10 x 4.5 (round to 5) damage per turn. At random I rolled and got a 36 but my average seems to be around 28. So you're doing 2 hits at about 28 damage, pen 18 with a range of up to 45m. Melta I believe doubling this if within half that? This is more damage than an Astartes Multi Melta (4D10+6, Pen 13) but at slightly shorter range. The shot itself seems to make it very much an "Anti anything" use as this is high enough damage and pen to shatter some vehicles wide open (if close enough) and the extra hoard magnitude is equally painful against mobs.

My own thoughts, I'd consider dropping the Pen and making it PR Pen, removing the melta quality and make it two shots in one action rather than two seperate actions. This makes it more of an anti Heavy Infantry/enemy carpet use. You can then use its final ability as an anti vehicle striker. Back to our example that would amend it to 1D10x5, PR9, 45m S/2/-, Shocking which is still pretty **** painful, the concept of raw psychic fury shocking a hoard into submission.

Not sure about the trade off on it, seems too light but maybe I'm just mean. I mean you put it's for desperate circumstances but the after effects really don't seem all that painful. Losing the power for a week, 1D10 levels of fatigue (which may knock them out for a bit) and 1D5 off their psy rating for a day/remainder of a session.

Flesh is illusion, can you clarify if that 2xPR bonus to S and T is to their stat value or is that to their Strength and Toughness bonus? One will hurt way more than the other

Apologies if all that sounded critical though. As said I do love the design and some of the fluff text I skimmed over sounded really good, lots of nice back story and history, the skills tree and naming conventions seemed good as well to me.

Nah, that was great feedback. A couple necessary clarifications hadn't occurred to me which you dutifully pointed out.

Yeah, I thought the Primarch's Curse sounded like it would be fun to roleplay, and even more fun to watch as a Game Master! Can't leave that guy on guard duty if he's going to drift off!

You're right, what you suggested would be better to differentiate the two attacks, and I DID mean to do like Smite and modify AS IF it were Ballistic skill. That slipped my mind, I guess.

I will need to clarify on Flesh is Illusion. I meant it would add directly to the statistics themselves, not to the Bonus. That would be more intense than I intended.

And yeah, I made this Chapter because one day I suddenly decided that Bhutan was an interesting place, so they're all sorts of Bhutanese as far as names and terms and such. That helped coming up with Chapter trappings immensely!

Alright, I have done what you suggested to the Aspect of the Dragon King's attack, and removed the extra horde damage from the final attack to emphasize it's single-target boss-slaying purpose. I have also changed the PR decrease after the power to last 48 hours, and altered the fatigue gain to be 2D10-1/2TB (so that a roll of 20 against a TB of 10 results in 15 fatigue), which should be much more stressful on players and make them hesitate to use the power when not absolutely necessary because passing out can be reasonably expected. I also specified that the Psy Rating reduction is 1D5, but can only take the Librarian's psy-rating to a minimum of 3.

The new power's attack text is:

"The Aspect may attack by taking a Willpower test, modifying the psyker's Willpower as if it were a Ballistic Skill test, to strike any enemy up to a 5xPR range with a lightning bolt with the Shocking Quality, dealing 1D10x 1/2PR damage with PR penetration with a ROF of S/2/-. When firing semi-auto, the bolts may be fired at separate targets with no penalty. Against hordes, this attack deals 1D10 extra magnitude damage. If the Psyker wishes, they can cause the Aspect of the Dragon King to form into a singular beam of energy that automatically strikes a foe as part of a Move action (though it may be dodged as normal), dealing 1D10xPR damage with 2xPR penetration and the Concussive and Melta Qualities. Upon doing so, the power automatically ends.

This power must be used at the Push power level. Such is the difficulty of maintaining the form of the Aspect that every turn the power is sustained the Psyker must take a Willpower Test or fail to sustain the power. This power can only be used once a week. The Psyker gains 2D10-1/2TB levels of fatigue the instant the power ends, and their effective Psy Rating is reduced by 1D5 (to a minimum PR of 3) for 48 hours after use."

I have also clarified that the T and S bonus for Flesh is Illusion to apply to the Characteristics themselves, not the characteristic bonuses.

You didnt have to make any changes, besides what do I know? I'm just one person

But to me that sounded quite legendary sir.

You had good input, a second set of eyes and all, just a different way of looking at it. It was helpful.

But yeah, any thoughts about a more in depth reading of some of the fluff elements would be lovely. I've liked how it's come together but somebody else should give it a read-over to ensure it makes sense.

For the two advanced specialties, I know the Phowa Disciple will be late-game like Deathwing or Honour Guard, and the Milam Disciple more mid-game or even a starting Advanced Specialty, but I haven't decided.

A Milam Disciple is sort of a formalized Vanguard/Sternguard veteran + 1. It'll be a highly flexible Advanced Specialty which gives a character either a combi-weapon or a one-handed power weapon, and then some disciplines to master that are like a Tyrannic War Veteran's abilities. Nothing too crazy, but a neat addition to a character.

The Phowa Disciple will be a Chaplain/Veteran mesh, with a unique Oath or so and spiritual leadership abilities and such with an ancestral weapon afforded to them which is basically a personalized relic with some crazy rules regarding its honorable use or whatever. I might get Emperor's Finest to look at the Legacy weapon rules in there first if that wasn't a thing I just made up.

Still brainstorming these two. On the subject, I still need to do a Chapter-specific oath. I intend to eventually give the Thunder Dragons crunch categories equivalent to that given to the core rulebook Chapters as far as unique Specialties, oaths, additional squad modes, relics, Deeds, etc., though likely not in such a quantity.

Nice work, though I think the color scheme is too busy. I would simplify it down to either Red or White the primary color.

I've spent some time working on a better color scheme (because it did need improvement), and arrived at this:

Nitpicks and feedback welcome, of course.

Broken link for your image, I get nothing.

Huh. Welp, I tried using the in-built forum software upload, so I shouldn't be surprised, I guess.

Nice. I really like that. What is their symbol? I don't remember seeing anything about it in your writing.

Ha, I had never thought about it. Hadn't really considered worrying about it at this point!