Not Fanfic, per se , but there didn't seem to be any subfora better suited. One of my 40K players has decided to run a Black Crusade campaign, at least for a few months, even if he does just use the published adventures.

Dramatis personæ:

Episode One - Broken Chains

Waking up in the deep holds of the Imperial ship, when the power to the stasis cages finally runs out. By the looks of things some kind of riot broke out, most of the inmates were incinerated in their cells, and we got lucky. It also sounds like the ship in dead in space. While Cassius interrogates the servo-skulls, Jrska finds a bit of debris to run along the bars, as she sings.

Jrska: * sings * "Nobody knows the trouble I've been"



Cassius is less than impressed by the company he's keeping when he wakes up.

Cassius: Wonderful. A degenerate, a witch, and a convict.



Jrska takes it all in stride, on the other hand, and is careful not to antagonise the Space Marine. After all, he could be a useful barricade between her and whatever antagonists lurk on the derelict ship. Jrska is also entirely comfortable with the fact that she and the other inmates are stark naked - more then comfortable in fact, when she sees Cassius's posthuman gengineered physique. Then she sees the other result of his engineering - chem-gelding.

Jrska: What a waste. Well, I suppose that's what happens when you use all those steroids...
Cassius OOC: Well, maybe I'll get a mutation to fix it.
Kastalla OOC: Now we know why Hours fell to Chaos
Cassius OOC: 'I'll finally be able to get some'



Shortly thereafter, we encounter three scavengers who dare contest Cassius's ownership of the power armour they're dragging out of one of the interrogation labs. Jrska picks a suitable ledge to perch on and watch the show, and comments to Kastalla and Dundee

Jrska:This is why I need some kind of automated popcorn dispenser following me around.



Everybody else's equipment is in the interrogation lab too, including Jrska's neural whip (lovingly run across her hands, the metal barbs tickling delightfully), her venomous pet Thing (part standard poodle, part Gila Monster), and her backpack full of Hallucinogen Grenades.

Jrska: *offering a handful to Cassius* Party favour?



There are, naturally, elevated walkways aboard the ship.

Jrska: * sings *... do my little turn on the catwalk...



Finding and going through the prisoner records, security keys, identity lanyards, etc. Jrska collects many of the latter as accessories, while the others get on with the business at hand.

Jrska: Did they get my good side?
Rold Dundee: Do you even have a good side?
Jrska: Of course I do! See? Nice backside too. *leer*

Jrska: Who's a good Thing. Who's a good Thing. You always wanted to be an assistant warden, didn't you? Didn't you? Good boy.

Jrska: Thing's bling



Bluffing our way past the cannibal tribe, Jrska proves her worth to Cassius.

Jrska: Excuse me?! Who do you think we are? Who do you think YOU are? *invading the cannibal's personal space* Even in your wildest dreams, what led you to think you had any say in where we go and who we see?
Cannibal: *nervously conferring with colleagues* You may see Mother now.
Jrska: Yes, yes we will. Lead the way.
Cassius: Now that's useful.

Jrska: And what are you doing later?
Cannibal: Eating you
Jrska: * leers * Oh, yes please.
GM: I walked right into that one, didn't I?



Rold is a bit uncomfortable with Jrska's uncontrolled lechery.

Rold Dundee: There has to be somebody else that looks better, I'm covered in dirt
Jrska: Hey, I have been in a stasis cell for two hundred years. A girl has needs. Though there's always

Kastalla - I don't mind the scars. After a session with me she'll probably have more - it's not a proper party till someone loses an eye.

Jrska: Is that a gun in your hand or are you just here to jerk off?



Thing falls in battle, thanks to Kastalla loosing control of her abilities.

Jrska: I'll have your ovaries for this, B*tch!

Jrska: Poor thing... He was such a good beast... The things he could do with his tongue!
All: Headdesk
Me: I told you you'd regret letting me play a Slaneeshi cultist.



Jrska skins a survivor alive with the edge of a power blade, in honour of her lost Thing. And since it's a entire party of evil characters, and Chaos to boot, the pecking-order and backstabbing has already been established. But since we're not stupid, none of us are willing to backstab the others while they're still useful, and if there's any chance they'll survive to retaliate. That doesn't stop a venomous rivalry between Jrska and Kastalla, especially after Kastalla reveals she can be just as manipulative and charismatic as the beastwoman.

Kastalla OOC: I've got Radiant Presence too.
Jrska: B*tch.
Kastalla: Sl*t.
Cassius: Skank.

Jrska: *innocently* If we're talking about implanted weaponry, I once knew a man with a Crotch rocket
All: Headdesk



Eventually, we discover the Inquisitor who captured us welded to the floor and host to a daemon - highly amusing - and we are warned that the ship's head interrogator is himself out of stasis and planning to drop the ship out of Warpspace and signal for help - less amusing. The daemon is going to need a new host body if he is going to assist. One of the cannibals will do nicely. Cassius makes a deal that they will free the daemon and give him a new host, on the condition he swears not to harm the party, and assists with taken down the Interrogator and any surviving Imperial servants. The rest of the cannibals are a little upset at what happens to the one that was volunteered.

Cassius: Well, I did promise him power beyond imagination.



Interrogator Crane is captured alive, Jrska gets a nice forcefield as reward for her useful efforts, and the deamonhost blown away after it tried to open the Gellar Fields while we were still in Warp. The betrayal WAS a little predictable.

Jrska: Thank you, Lord Cassius... *to Dundee* See? You've got to know when to flatter.

Cassius: Did anybody NOT see that coming?
Jrska: *shrugs* Premature, perhaps.
Cassius: It happens - performance anxiety



But now we need to nudge the ship into the Screaming Vortex, and away from Imperial retribution - happily, Cassius only needs to eat a few parts of the Interrogator to gain the necessary skill. Jrska gets to work on the naked and securely bound Crane.

Jrska: Hello. I need you to answer a question for us - which of your appendages do you value least?
Kastalla: *pointing at the obvious* That one.
Jrska: Well, obviously, but I'm not going to make Lord Cassius eat that.
Crane: Abomination! You will get no answers from me! The God-Emperor will-
Jrska: Tongue it is then *slice*

.

And so into the Screaming Vortex.

Jrska: It's good to be home. I really don't know how men can live out there. Having black night skies is so boring - how can they stand to live somewhere where the sky isn't the colour of a poisonous orchid?



The derelict ship materialises over a world wracked by perpetual war between Slaneesh and Nurgle. We'll have to move fast before the other ships realise the new arrival is actually derelict, but I'm confident we can bluff them. And Jrska's brother, a pirate captain, may well be around somewhere even after two centuries. But that will have to wait until next time. Cassius' player predicts in a few years Cassius will be completely corrupt and treating Jrska like an obedient pet.

Me: I think you may be mistaken in who has who well-trained.

Episode Two - Sacgrave

The Imperial prison transport, Chains of Judgement, so recently 'liberated', is now safely ensconced within the Screaming Vortex warp storm, for certain definitions of 'safe'. Deviant Slaanesh cultist Jrskalooks forward to showing her new allies around the place - she grew up there, after all. But perhaps she'll relax with some of her unholy tome first.

Rold Dundee: The ' Twilight ' series
Jrska: Oh, no, just a few of my favourites - '120 days of Sodom - Scratch & Sniff Edition ', and this one... I really like this one... lavishly illustrated, half the pages stuck together, describing in exquisite detail how the author took everything good and moral and righteous and perverted them into things so unholy that the universe itself recoiled in horror... it's called "What I Did On My Holidays'

Jrska: We could always watch some old vids... Pacific R*mjob... Bender's Game... Girl With A Pearl Necklace... 9 1/2 W*nks
GM: Saving Ryan's Privates
Jrska: 'Star Wh*res Episode IV : A New Hole' . That was a good one. Twincest, big black men waving their weapons around, breath denial, and years of argument about premature ejaculation.
All: ....
Jrska: 'Han shot first'
All: * headdesk *



Anyway - we are currently orbiting the planet Pyrultide, which itself is currently swinging near the labyrinthine ruins of Sacgrave. We have a nearly derelict ship, a tribe of cannibals for a crew, and the freedom of Chaos to do whatever we now wish.

Jrska: We can take the cannibals with us. They can set up a restaurant. Just picture it - you've already got The Fat Duck, now we can have The Long Pig. On the other hand, pork's nice, but I prefer veal. *waits in vain for a response from the others* Ah well. We can't ALL be quick on the uptake.



Alas, yet another individual claims credit for our survival of the last 200 years - the ancient, and badly mutated, Navigator of the Chains of Judgement . Exactly how many people have managed to survive 200 years on this ship, anyway? He demands we acquiesce to his own plans, and has already signaled to Sacgrave as part of his scheme to get a proper crew, in return for some mercenary work by Cassius (and the rest of us).

Mutant Navigator : How do you think you have survived the last 200 years? That you have not been cast upon the reefs of the Warp?
Rold Dundee: Gellar field.
Jrska: Stasis tanks are good for that too.

GM: ....I haven't thought of a name for this guy.
Unnamed Mutant Navigator : Names are unimportant.
All: *Applaud the GM*
Rold Dundee's player: 'I haven't used my name in 200 years, I've forgotten.'


Regardless, Cassius does not take kindly to any attempts to enlist his service - understandable, given the way the Imperium betrayed him and the Emperor's vision. He shoots up the communication monitor. Jrska politely makes herself scarce - such lack of self-control does not bode well for her own plans for the former Space Marine.

Jrska: Violence towards inanimate objects is alarming. Violence towards animate objects is amusing.



The Navigator backs down after Cassius sets out to hunt him down through the ship and demonstrate the Navigator's error of judgement.

Cassius: He doesn't need his arms and legs to navigate.

Jrska's player: He just misjudged what you were capable of - we already know you're capable of superhuman levels of Denial.



Nonetheless, we do need more crew. Or any crew. And Sacgrave is a good source for anything a warband might need. We decide to meet with this mystery contact on Sacgrave anyway.

How to make PCs paranoid.

GM: One of the lighters is strangely untouched.
Cassius: Then let us not mar its pristine condition.

Jrska: We can tell if this part of town is Slaaneshi or Nurglite by counting bathhouses. Slaanesh has them, Nurgle needs them.

Jrska: Flamers would be quite useful against followers of Nurgle.
Cassius: And the followers of Slaanesh will just enjoy it.



The contact, Garath, has sent a beautiful slave to meet us at the landing zone. Jrska, of course, ogles. As she points out, the only reason to own and send such an attractive slave is to show her off and make others jealous, and it would be rude to not respond.

Jrska: Lead the way. You! Manservant! Carry Lord Cassius' luggage!
Rold Dundee: But he doesn't have any.
Jrska: Just pick up something and carry that.

Jrska: We have come to meet with you, in accordance with the prophecy.
Rold Dundee OOC: What prophecy?
Jrska OOC: Their isn't one. But there's no way it can hurt us if they think there is.

Cassius : I need crew for my ship.
Garath, with suspicious innocence: Oh?
Jrska OOC: * sigh * Anyone want to bet we still have a ship when we come back? .... No takers?



Jrska 'speaking for her lord Cassius', negotiates the deal - we recover something called the Tyrant's Cord - a potent symbol of mastery of the Pox Tribes of Pyrultide - and either sell it to Garath, or at least ensure it doesn't fall into the hands of his rivals. Cassius growls his discontent for the bargain - after all, he'll be taking most of the risk. Jrska translate this into more polite language.

Jrska: Please understand, my lord is of mercurial temper. Master Garath, what incentive can you offer to ensure we do not simply sell this information to your rivals?
Real Life: *Lights fade out ominously*



The understandably irked Garath now insists we only sell the Cord to him, but he will arrange good credit for us at the markets on Sacgrave. Shopping Time!

Jrska: * singing * Oh the shark has such pretty teeth, dear
And he shows them pearly white
Just a jack knife has Rold Dundee, babe
And they call him, Rold the Knife...



I do shock my fellow gamers at one point. They've known me for years, and I don't think they ever realised how manipulative I can be when I put my mind to it.

Me: Jrska is getting you a best quality armour polishing kit, so you'll owe her a favour, and which you can use to better serve Lord Cassius.
Other players: *Eyes bug out*
Me: Slaanesh cultist - it's all social manipulation.



Some amusement in the markets, when Jrska gets three locals to argue amongst themselves as to which one is selling a genuine treasure map - all of them, apparently - and when Rold is provoked into a fight with a lightning-hurling mercenary, and that rapidly escalates. It turns out that the mercs were simply testing us, and are duly impressed. They are not, however, impressed by Cassius' offer of employment

Mercenaries : Yeah, but will you pay us?
Cassius: All the loot you can carry.
Dundee's player: 'Aw, but we're all DEX-based'

Jrska: I didn't get to sing all the songs I was hoping to.
Cassius: For which we are grateful

On Sacgrave, and getting permission from Cassius to acquire a guide, and tech support. Naturally, Jrska is doing the selecting. For a guide, she looks around for any obvious tourists - the one in somewhat singed Imperial finery - silk cravat, lace collar, long embroidered coat, and, of course, giant shoulderpads - looks ideal.

Jrska : Ah, the Imperium of Man, where your importance is determined by the size of your shoulderpads, and how much you cut off your own field of vision. No doubt the Emperor went around in a giant sombrero and blindfold.

Aladar van Rijn, it turns out, is a Rogue Trader who barely escaped with his skin when the authorities discovered his growing interest in forbidden commodities. He lost his entire fleet in the subsequent battle, and then his flagship when he fled to the Vortex and crashed on Sacgrave. Jrska has of course chosen him because he looks naive. She's right, but he swallows her flattery so completely that she starts to doubt her own judgement - maybe he really IS competent.

Jrska : After all, he goes around dressed like that and he hasn't been accosted yet. Maybe he actually can look after himself.

Aladar's choice of a showy ceremonial sword in a universe where half the noteworthy people carry power weapons may be evidence to the contrary. The nearest itinerant Heretek is easy to recruit as well, even if he refuses to give his name.

Jrska : Hi there cogboy, how would you like your very own starship engine to fondle?

Jrska : Just a cog in the great machine...
Cog : Not any more.


Of course, there's still the need to find the thousands of crew the Chains of Judgement will need. True, there's the cannibal tribe and their leader, Mother, but who is the mysterious Father?

Jrska : Does it really matter? There's probably a whole lineage. There's Great-Uncle, who rules the aft engine compartments... And Auntie Prunella. Nobody talk about her. Nobody .

Ensuring Aladar and Cog's loyalty - to herself - and simultaneously making herself indispensable to Cassius.

Jrska : Lord Cassius is supremely generous to those who pledge their loyalty to him. Of course, he demands the very best from his minions, and it is my duty to ensure that you do not waste his time. So impress me and I'll put in the good word.
Cassius' player : .... Wow.

Off to one of the many wrecks on Sacgrave, where we have been told the Tyrant's Cord may be found. Things to avoid en route - the many Dark Eldar amusing themselves at the fighting pits, buying slaves, etc, and the mutant inhabitants of the ruins beyond the settlement. Although the latter may be useful as material components of Cassius' prognostications.

Jrska : Try not to attract their attention.
Cog : Don't piss off the Dark Eldar.
Cassius : Good advice for any Eldar.
Jrska : Well, the Light Eldar are less likely to torture you to death.
GM : ... Perhaps.
Jrska : The Light Eldar will kill you. The Dark Eldar will kill you - eventually.

Jrska : Hello mutants! Small, poorly defended party here! Easy pickings!

Somewhat suspiciously, Garath's crashed ship has not been stripped and salvaged yet. That might be because the shipyards of Q'sal are infamous for welding technology and demonology.

Jrska : Imperial ships run on AC. Q'sal ships run on DC - Demon Current.

Most of the crew appear to have survived the crash - and then, annoyingly, something went through the survivors like a chainsword through soft cheese. This something included at least one space marine, judging by the assorted human wreckage. We'll have to go back to the Whispering Halls, to see if anybody saw the thieves returning. And, of course, to eat, socialise, drink, etc.

Me : This being the Imperium, the potato is probably extinct and replaced by the Vampire Squash

Cog : Has anything big and nasty arrived recently?
Jrska : Apart from Rold Dundee?


Somewhat frustratingly, everybody seems too scared of retribution to identify the perps we're pursuing. Not unreasonable of them, so Jrska reasonably resorts to dragging a random pedestrian into an alleyway and torturing the information out of them. It's not much, but the antagonists include TWO space marines, a heretek, and a witch. Jrska turns the victim loose, still mostly intact.

Jrska : Don't worry about that, it'll work its way out in a couple of days.

The local liege promises us information if we deal with a small mutant problem he's having. Cassius' solution is to offer them employment, and eventual revenge. Jrksa checks off one item in her Corrupt Cassius mental checklist - Recruit Mutant Army. The liege does not, in fact, have much useful information - earning him a place at the top of Cassius' own mental list of People More Useful Dead - but a poke around the slave markets does turn up a few survivors of Garath's crew, going cheap due to their sorry state. They're reluctant to have anything to do with us or their attackers, but Jrska talks them around.

Jrska : I'm sure you'll be useful to my Master one way another - perhaps in his rituals.

As intended, they assume she means human sacrifice, and suddenly fall over themselves to be helpful. All Cassius actually needs are names to focus his precognition.

Cassius : I'm not about unnecessary cruelty.
Cog : You said that with a straight face. I'm impressed.

Cassius enacts his divinations, and Jrska is targeted by a Dark Eldar looking for someone to humiliate.

GM : As long as you keep grovelling, he's going to keep demeaning you.
Jrska : Don't knock it til you've tried it, sweety.

Jrska keeps the Eldar distracted by a fine display of cringing, long enough for Aladar to figure out what she's doing, and shoot the alien in the back of the head. Of course, since his choice of weapon is a pretty, but pretty feeble , laspistol, the ensuing melee comes as something of a surprise. Nonetheless, they triumph, and the Eldar's Agoniser sword and Lacerator pistol are claimed as trophies.

Jrska : *giving Aladar her very best leer* Remind me to show you how grateful I am, later.
Aladar van Rijn : 8-(



And off to the Vaults, in the hope of getting ahead of our enemies and setting up a high explosive ambush. Aladar's experience as a starship commander proves unhelpful.

Me : Despite them both being dark, you can't use 'Navigation : Space' underground

Hurrying through the labyrinthine ruins of Sacgrave, in pursuit of a superior party currently holding the macguffin we seek. Naturally, we are promptly distracted by a closed door.

Within are assorted debris and the inert form of a Juggernaut, the quasi-mechanical demon beasts of Khorne.

Not inert enough, alas. Rold's prodding, and Cassius' even more insanely unwise psychic probing, wake the **** thing up.

Luckily for us, Cassius manages to annihilate the thing with mind bullets. Unfortunately, this draws the ire of Khorne, who has a well-known dislike for psykers at the best of times, and he sends another Khornate demon to deliver a strongly worded message. Words like "Slaughter" "Dismember“ and “Bloodily Annihilate“

To our extreme relief, we don't loose anybody in the ensuing frantic battle, and Rold gains a shiny new sword that the Bloodletter left behind after it exploded in a paroxysm of gore that would put a samurai flick to shame. We settle down to do the obvious - find someone to blame for this near disaster.

Pressing on, a chance encounter with Dark Eldar - indeed, the same Dark Eldar we skewered in the market earlier. Possibly he's still feeling a bit fragile, since rather than seek exquisite revenge, he negotiates a deal. The Dark Eldar prevent our target's transport from arriving, and we help the Eldar recover a certain artefact from the labyrinth. This seems equitable, and, thanks to all those treasure maps Jrska picked up earlier, much simpler than anybody expected (especially the GM). After that, it's a matter of tracking our targets to the Painted Ziggurat, and planning our attack on their position. They're barricaded themselves on top of the structure, waiting vainly for extraction.

Alas, the demolition charges we brought with us are insufficient to collapse the upper level of the Ziggurat, so instead we settle for wrapping dozens of hallucinogen grenades around the explosives, and have Cassius hurl the resulting package into their midst. This works admirably. Indeed, spectacularly well. The Space Marine Psyker is not only badly injured by the faceful of high explosive fun, the chemical shrapnel drives him completely berserk - so much that he can't use his psychic abilities. The Space Marine Berserker , on the other hand, develops acute paranoia and flings himself into cover. Their pet psyker runs raving right off the edge of the building and ends up with both shinbones driven into his chest cavity, and the Heretek leading the group looks around at this sudden mayhem and comments "Well, that escalated quickly".

The Berserker gets away - Rold, aided by his suspiciously easy-to-use Hellblade, even manages to go toe-to-toe with him for a few rounds - but the other three are not so lucky. With the Tyrant's Cord thus acquired, we can return to Garath for our due reward. Hopefully Garath will attempt to renege on the deal - the Cord is potent item indeed, and it match Jrska's eyes so very nicely....