Here’s a fun game for a Friday afternoon: Try and summarise 40k in less than 288 words. Imagine you have been asked to write the “Star Wars” style opening text of a 40k movie. Or imagine you’re trying to explain to novice DH players the background to the 40k universe.

The classic opening text runs:

“It is the 41st Millennium. For more than a hundred centuries the Emperor has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Earth. He is the Master of mankind by the will of the gods, and master of a million worlds by the might of his inexhaustible armies. He is a rotting carcass writhing invisibly with power from the Dark Age of Technology. He is the Carrion Lord of the Imperium for whom a thousand souls are sacrificed every day, so that he may never truly die.

Yet even in his deathless state, the Emperor continues his eternal vigilance. Mighty battlefleets cross the daemon-infested miasma of the warp, the only route between distant stars, their way lit by the Astronomican, the psychic manifestation of the Emperor's will. Vast armies give battle in his name on uncounted worlds. Greatest amongst his soldiers are the Adeptus Astartes, the Space Marines, bio-engineered super-warriors. Their comrades in arms are legion: the Imperial Guard and countless planetary defence forces, the ever vigilant Inquisition and the tech-priests of the Adeptus Mechanicus to name only a few. But for all their multitudes, they are barely enough to hold off the ever-present threat from aliens, heretics, mutants - and worse.

To be a man in such times is to be one amongst untold billions. It is to live in the cruellest and most bloody regime imaginable. These are the tales of those times. Forget the power of technology and science, for so much has been forgotten, never to be re-learned. Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for in the grim dark future there is only war. There is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsting gods.”

That’s 288 words (according to microsoft word, anyway!). Can you do better?

Bonus points if you can do it in less than the 83 words of the original Star Wars crawl!

Here's a quick 77 word version to sell the setting to the uninitiated:-

It is the year 41, 817. Mankind has carved out the greatest Empire in history: the decaying Imperium of Man. Its crippled psychic Emperor, worshipped by uncounted trillions as a god, rules the entire galaxy from the ruins of Earth, tethered to a life support machine he has occupied for ten millennia. His mighty genetically enhanced armies and sinister agents battle endlessly against rebels, heretics, aliens and blasphemous extra-dimensional daemons who seek to enslave or destroy humanity.

"Ruins of Earth" isn't technically right, I know, but it seemed neater and more comprehensible than "hives of Terra." And I know the Emperor doesn't really do much ruling any more, but it's hard squeezing the High Lords of Terra in there in under 83 words! And I think it ends a bit weakly, too...

The year 41,817. The galaxy is held in the grasp of a dying Imperium of mankind. Gone are the days of science and clarity, replaced by religious fervour and technological stagnation. Beset on all sides by mutants, witches, aliens and daemons, these are dark days. Genetically enhanced super soldiers battle elite enemies of mankind whilst 100 foot tall walking tanks and starships tens of kilometres in length rain death against entire hordes. There is only war.

76, boo yeah

It is the year 41, 817. Ten thousand year ago, the Emperor - a being of near-divine power - led humanity to create the Imperium of Man and take control of the Galaxy. Yet for millennia the Emperor has lain in near-death, betrayed. Now, the mighty empire is crumbling, beset by enemies on all sides - mutants and heretics from within, aliens and renegades from without, and daemons of chaos from beyond. Freedom and progress are dangerous heresies, supplanted by technological dogma and religious superstition.

Even through these dark times, The Imperium hangs grimly on, and even now its power is strong – soldiers beyond number fight and die every day in its armies, supported by augmented warriors with inhuman strength and resolve, titanic engines of war that tower over buildings, and starships the size of small moons. Its enemies press on from all sides, however, their own armies no less staggering in number or power.

There is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsting gods. In the grim darkness of the 41st millennium, there is only war.

It's longer (187 words), but not too long for a star wars-esque spread and covers the bases - history, conflict, mood - that a newcomer needs to know what's going on.

It is the 41st Millenium. There is only Grim Darkness, and buckets of Man Sauce.

Horny Chaos Marines and chicks in a seriously BAD MOOD who can carry cattle prods for the whole month!

Lots and lots of "mega", "power" or Plasma Guns. Sooo many guns!!!

And big f-off Swords.

Chicks in power armour PHWOAR!!!

Chicks repenting in thong backed leather hotness getting whipped by another hot chick in power armour. PWHOAR!!!!

Orks iz evry were! orkz is the biggest an da best!!!! WHAAAAAAGH!!!!!

HOT SPACE ELVES

HOT FETISH SPACE ELVES!!!! PWHOAR!!!!!

Tanks and TITANS OMG!!!

Slanesh. Perverted god of debauchery. DING DONG!

In the grim dark future there is only WAR and just about everyone could use a hug.