Beetle Mania

With a Necrontyr artefact on the loose on the Sycorax, Jak has ordered an evacuation. The Pukusians of course want to know why all their new human friends are suddenly on a dead run for the lifeboats, but oddly enough nobody else gets disintegrated before everybody is off the ship, and retreated to a safe distance. 50,000 kilometres is probably safe. Everybody that is but Casu Marzu, who does know the meaning of the word safe, and the 40 million other terms he has on his vocabulary chip, but doesn't care. He stays on board to see what the artefact is up to. Carno Sarvus circles the ship, hoping that it tries to leave and head for the planet below - it's probably not very manoeuvrable in space, and he honestly believes he could take it down.

GM: It could always build a springboard on the prow of the Sycorax and launch itself towards Pukus like that - bounce bounce SPROING

Lord-Commodore Leman van Baroque: I heard you can kill Necrontyr by spraying gold into their chest vents. But I'll shut up now, or the GM will scowl at me and the BBC lawyers will show up.

The Lord-Commodore is woken from his recurring nightmares of Marzu back in the Captain's chair, only to be given the news that his shiny new salvage may have to be blown out of the sky.

GM: Your personal servants have your breakfast prepared already - reconstituted dodo eggs, delicately seared slivers of chiggock on toast, kiwi juice and a cupfull of the anti-stress pills the medicæ have you on. It's all on a little wheeled trolley so you can eat as you go.
Navigator Netzach Benetek: Hey! Why don't I get a snack crew?
GM: I'm sorry, but a little wheeled trolley wouldn't cut it for you. You'd need an entire airline luggage cart.

Everybody is surprised and rather alarmed when the engines on the Sycorax start up. Judging from the neutrino output they're running at full power, but the energy doesn't seem to be going anywhere. And when Marzu plugs himself into the security cameras, he sees the Enginarium swarming with something that at first glance appears to be static, but which he soon realizes are hundreds, if not thousands, of plate-sized beetle-like devices, busily doing something to the machinery.

Marzu decides to investigate on the scene, especially after something cuts the camera feed, and the remote engine shutdown protocols refuse to work. Of course, he's not going down there without some ablative armour, and tells Jaranthine to send over 5 of his Stryxis Vat-Brutes, armed with lascannons, multimeltas, and missile launchers.

GM : Or as you described them to the Pukusians 'long-distance flashlights, portable microwave ovens, and material delivery systems'

Navigator Netzach Benetek: We come over with 3 Vat-brutes
Magos Casu Marzu: I asked for 5
Navigator Netzach Benetek: Sorry, I got a bit peckish on the flight over

Seneschal Jaranthine Hamerin: We'll reserve the teleportarium for emergencies.
GM: Yes, you might need to pull the fat from the fire *glances at Benetek*

Magos Casu Marzu: You went across in a shuttle? Why didn't you use a lighter? Oh right, you wouldn't fit.

Seneschal Jaranthine Hamerin: Don't tell the Space Wolf we're about to go into combat. Until Marzu can finish his new legs he's more of a liability than an asset. Don't tell him I said that, either.

The Enginarium approaches are indeed swarming with the beetle-things, which seem to be busily dismantling the ship piece by piece. Jaranthine orders the rest of the Vat-Brutes across, backed up with human weapons teams, to try and keep them contained to the engine compartment, but unfortunately only Marzu has any EMP grenades on him. Over half the teams are soon overrun and dismantled by the Scarabs, and even Sarvus in his guncutter gets involved, opening fire on one of the dorsal galleries when he sees an armsman team being eaten alive behind the stained glassteel windows. Marzu, Benetek and the Brutes get to the Enginarium alive, but not before Benetek and the astropath Adrik feel the psychic TWANG of something under tension being suddenly punctured. That would probably be the Warp Portal the Scarabs are assembling before the red-hot glow of the engines - a shimmering green doorway to somewhere. The likelihood of themselves and the entire engineering deck going up in a cloud of vapour notwithstanding, Marzu decides the best option now is to arrange an impromptu containment failure of the fusion reactors, before anything can come out of the doorway.

Seneschal Jaranthine Hamerin: Minor accidents should not require an EPA statement!
Magos Casu Marzu: Sez you *fires a lascannon into the plasma engines*

Happily, Jaranthine was able to teleport them out before the chamber was awash with nuclear plasma. That, at least, should slow the horde down, and make unlife interesting for whatever was stirring on the far side of the portal. Going back in via a different route, to check that this work, the group are nearly surprised by the original artefact, which zeros in on them at speed, ignoring little things like walls or bulkheads on the way. Benetek only picks it up at the last minute, despite his psychic awareness of moving masses.

Magos Casu Marzu: It only registers objects bigger than he is - so, not much.

Marzu rigs a large pile of demolition charges as bait, before running for his life in the opposite direction. Both actions prove very wise, since he gets his first good look at what the device actually is.

Magos Casu Marzu: If I still had a sphincter it would be puckering.

Unfortunately, despite the ensuing explosion wrecking three decks and punching bulkheads out like party poppers, the Tomb Stalker is now merely damaged and highly pissed off. Marzu takes three Gauss flayer shots to the face, and to his own amazement, survives. The Vat-Brutes also pour fire into the machine, but still fail to take it down. It's time for Benetek to reveal why he's been sitting so uncomfortably on his hoverboard all day…

GM: Behind you Benetek is attempting to reach down behind himself, into the crevice between his buttocks and hoverboard…
Magos Casu Marzu: What?!?
GM: …He's pulling something out…
Magos Casu Marzu: Oh god!
GM: …It's about five feet long
Carno Sarvus: Argh!
GM: … with a green crystal, barrel, and blade at one end
Magos Casu Marzu: You sod. I always knew you were hiding things in your Black Holds

But even the Necrontyr's own weaponry isn't enough, as the giant multilegged killing machine storms down the corridor towards them…

GM: Jaranthine teleports into mid-air three feet above the Tomb Stalker, and lands upon its back, already swinging his power sword. The blade slices instantly through the living metal, severing the thing's head in a shower of flaring power. The sensors and weapons blaze and spasm, once, before it slumps to ground, motionless but for slow writhing twitches.
Magos Casu Marzu: What kept you?

After that, with the scarabs decimated and lacking leadership, it's relatively easy to force entry back into the engine room. Although their plans to deal with the portal do lead to some debate. On the other hand, sending a squad of armoured Vat-Brutes through, blowing up the portal, and hoping the brutes survive long enough to detonate that highly illegal atomic bomb they've been carrying around since the second session, does solve a number of problems.

Seneschal Jaranthine Hamerin: I refuse to be party to the tactic of thermonuclear petards

Seneschal Jaranthine Hamerin: Necrontyr tomb worlds, perfect for disposing of incriminating evidence.

GM: And somewhere far away, on a lifeless world scoured down to charred bedrock by the fires of a cruel sun…
Seneschal Jaranthine Hamerin: Oh no.
GM: Hmm?
Seneschal Jaranthine Hamerin: Someone is going to pick up the radiation signature of a thermonuclear explosion coming from a supposedly lifeless world, and dispatch an Explorator ship to investigate.
Magos Casu Marzu: Sucks to be them.

GM: At least you got a nice trophy out of it.
Seneschal Jaranthine Hamerin: NO. Every part of that Tomb Stalker is going to be destroyed - I do NOT like the way Necrontyr technology regenerates
Magos Casu Marzu: Really? I'm sure they're dead now. See? I'm already making Scarab keyrings for everybody.

After that it's a matter of finishing the basic repairs on the Sycorax, splitting the crew between the two ships, and making their way back to Zayth. Jaranthine also has one of the decks converted into an arena with disaffected crewmen can seek justice by combat. Naturally there'll be balconies for the officers to watch from.

GM: There's a number of Pukusian architects that have asked if they can design this 'sports arena' you want to add to the Rose Tattoo.
Seneschal Jaranthine Hamerin: Um, no. Tell them there are certain cultural requirements we can better handle ourselves.
Carno Sarvus: The rotating knives…
GM: Blood gutters…
Carno Sarvus: Splatter guards…

But what of the mysterious origins of the X-1 Unit, and the fate of Bel Ingeneri, that got them out here in the first place? Should they risk seeking out the exact source, or simply settle for taking Ingeneri's ship? Perhaps the last few entries in his log will help them decide…

GM: You could wake the Lord-Commodore from his drug-induced stupor and ask him.

Ingeneri's Logbook: We have arrived without incident.The system appears entirely ordinary, although the tech-adepts have expressed interest in certain augeries they have made. I have ordered them to continue scanning, as we move past the ice rings and joins into the inner system.

As hoped, the salvage here will profit me mightily - the two ships, even in the state they are, ensure me a governor's ransom in technology. I will not, of course, inform the Astartes of my discovery - it seems unlikely they would appreciate my interest. The cartographers have charted their orbits - they intersect near the inner world. I have decided to name it Pearl.

I leave for the surface. There are structures that may prove profitable.

Magos Casu Marzu: Why do we even want to waste our time going there? We've already got his ship and all this loot.
Carno Sarvus: He may have found a planet of nubile women.
Magos Casu Marzu: We need to go there. Now.
Seneschal Jaranthine Hamerin: Why? You no longer function that… oh, wait, you've got mechadendrites. Never mind.

The mystery can wait. With exclusive trading rights with Zaythi landships and a whole new alien race, and a newly acquired space station and frigate, the van Baroque fortunes are finally on their way up. Besides, there's still that planetful of Logicians to stomp into a red paste…

Jak Frost : What did I miss?
GM: Benetek pulling a Necrontyr Gauss Flayer out of his crack.
Carno Sarvus: Ew.
Magos Casu Marzu: Not even the Necrontyr want that one back.

And with that, Year One of the campaign closes. After a break for me from GMing, we will return to the game to see how the Rose Tattoo does in persecuting the Second Logician War.

Can't wait until you get back to GMing!

I'll be playing in a Deathwatch campaign for the next few months - may tape the sessions, too

Had to come up with a Rogue Trader session when the Deathwatch GM was a no-show.

The starship Rose Tattoo, flagship of the van Baroque fleet, is finally heading back towards the boundaries of the Imperium of Man, after almost a year of wandering around the Koronus Expanse, meeting Orks, strange aliens, rival Rogue Traders, hereteks and traitors, Artificial Intelligences, and opportunities for immense profit. Once such opportunity they are bringing back with them - the starship Sycorax that formerly belonged to a presumably dead Rogue Trader Bel Ingeneri, which they intend to leave in the care of their salvaged space station at the heathen world of Zayth. After all, possession is nine tenths of the law, and the more of Ingeneri's relatives die of old age, the better the van Baroque's claim to it will be.

Magos Casu Marzu: I like torpedos.
GM: There's probably some deeply Freudian reason for that
Magos Casu Marzu: Nah, I just want to ride them like a cowboy. Woohoo!

That accomplished, and the Zaythi fanatics convinced that their dead Space Marine god was killed by Eldar ( and not fellow humans ) and that Ingeneri, who robbed them of their relics, has been suitably chastised, the Rose Tattoo embarks for the pleasure-planet Solace Encarmine. There to blow the gross domestic product of several small nations on a party. Some of the lesser tech-priests fight among themselves for the chance to be left behind.

GM: What interest would Tech-priests have in a pleasure planet? 'Oh, the wonderful sunshine, and the salt corroding my joints!' Crawling around in the belly of a kilometres-long landship IS a holiday to them. Tech-priests don't pack boardshorts, they pack multitools.

GM: Astropath Adrik really is the most expendable crewmember on board - if you ever really need to get a message anywhere in a hurry, Netzach can just fly the entire starship there and back in an afternoon.

GM: No-one wants to know what Tech-priests have as the target of their carnal appetites
Jak Frost: He locks himself in his room with with a copy of Windows 7
Magos Casu Marzu: Then I get screwed, not the other way around…. I wouldn't touch that with a wireless router.

At least at Solace Encarmine they can replace some of the foodstuffs Navigator Benetek has consumed since he joined the ship. If he gets any bigger they'll have to install vaulted corridors or giant pneumatic tubes just so he can get around.

Pinkamena: Can you get me some of those little silvery balls you put on cupcakes? I need about a tonne of those.
Casu Marzu: What, you mean shotgun pellets? Here you go.
Pinkamena: Don't be silly, Father Marzu, you can't eat those.
Magos Casu Marzu: *munchmunchmunch*
Pinkamena: Oh, I guess you can

Seneschal Jaranthine : Pinkemina is very popular with the crew
GM: She's an exceptional caterer, for one thing.
Seneschal Jaranthine : She does amazing things with corpse starch
GM : ….Cupcakes?
Seneschal Jaranthine :

The crew are so eager to party that some don't even wait for the shuttles to land. Some parachute. Marzu and Jak just jump from the back of the starship and surf down.

Magos Casu Marzu: I'm going to relax on the beach, and sip a nice glass of crude.
GM: You can find a nice spot with a view over the promethium refinery. It's only a small one though, that they use for refuelling visiting starships.
Magos Casu Marzu: I can make it bigger if they want.
Jak Frost: That's what SHE said.

Jak arranges a team-building exercise for the command crew - they're going to go blow large holes in the wildlife of one of the islands. Given the size of some of the wildlife, they'd better be very large holes. Marzu, for some reason inclined to make things more difficult, wants to take the monsters alive, and brings webber rounds for his shotgun.

GM: And you're sitting at the back of the air yacht under a sun umbrella?
Magos Casu Marzu: Solar panel, thank you.
GM: Of course it is. And sipping at a tall glass of promethium with a paper umbrella in it?
Jak Frost: If the umbrella is dissolving you know it's good.

Given that this is the Imperium of Man, I suppose we should all be grateful that they don't harpoon one of their own crew to use as bait for the carnivores they're hunting, and instead use one of the native herd beasts.

Magos Casu Marzu: What are you talking about? I don't have a spiritual heart.
GM: No, you have a spiritual hard drive

The next few days are, perhaps predictably, spent hunting for a beast reputed to live on one of the ridges. A beast that eats air yachts. After the encounters scale up to something with a mouth eight metres wide, and their guide says that isn't even a big predator around these parts, they decide to back up the air yacht with a guncutter. And even that isn't enough when they finally track the beast to its lair. THEN they have to bring in the heavy cargo lifter, and an industrial promethium tank doped with melta charges…

If you want to know further details of their hunting expedition, Jak made sure to film the whole gory display, complete with pyroclastic conclusion, and will no doubt be selling the tape to one of the Imperium's holovid combines. Alternatively, you can listen to the audio when it gets released. The rest of the Rose Tattoo's crew probably had the right idea, merely burning down various bars in Solace Encarmine's only city, drunkenly hijacking jitneys and crashing them into irrigation ditches, and drinking the island dry of every drop of alcohol they can find. The locals don't mind much - bribes to the local authorities are a major part of the economy.