So Robb seems to be doing all right as this guerrilla King of the North (now an official rallying cry, like Maud’Dib) with Grey Wind, a forward scout-assassin the size of a horse. I would guess he’s still outnumbered by the Lannisters, but at a 5-to-1 win ratio that will be going down fast. Robb seems to take a shining to Talisa, a new girl acting as part of the Battlefield Clean-Up crew, although not seeming to be one of the majority of white-cloaked nuns doing the same. No obvious reciprocation, however: she’s not buying his justification (or rationalization) for all this bloodshed. Not that anyone couldn’t see her point, but that’s why there’s war: we just want to kill the cretin in charge, but there’s 30,000 conscripts between us and him. But Talisa’s probably just as angry with Tywin. Still, Robb seems undeterred and attracted; shame he’s betrothed to some hag in the Twins (or something like that).
New locations! First up is Harrenhal, the first clockwork cog castle that has no moving parts. Which is eventually explained in graphic view: the fortress is completely melted from some (must have been BAD) encounter with the old Targaryen Air Force. This is where Arya and the rest of the Night’s Watch recruits have been brought. I figured it was a staging area or a pit stop, but the resident garrison is content to burn through its non-Lannister residents with the old burrow-a-rat-through-your-chest trick, so maybe it’s supposed to be their last stop. The Mountain picks one prisoner (arbitrarily?) and some wincey named Pollivar interrogates them about “The Brotherhood” which no one knows anything about. (Is it an actual organization, or a non-existent excuse for sadistic rodent torture?) Arya spends her wet, muddy nights repeating her $#!% List over and over, acquiring the first quality necessary for revenge: obsession. I couldn’t help but smile as she smoothly adds the Harrenhal supervisors to her grievances.
It looked like time was up for Gendry AGAIN, when—are you kidding?—who should arrive but dear old Brother Numpsie, fairly pissed at the state of his war. One would begin to assume that Lannister is running out of regulars and is drafting any half-able militiamen he can find to throw in front of the Northerners, so why not put the prisoners to work for the war effort? Gendry is especially useful as a smithy, and Tywin sees through Arya’s “disguise” in a heartbeat. In fact, her shrewdness at “travel safety” impresses him so much, he takes her to kill him as soon as his eyes are clos…urm, to be his cupholder. (I can’t imagine Polliver will last much longer with his grubby mitts on her dear Needle.) My mind is fairly blown at Arya’s Moses-like fortunate rise into the enemy’s ranks.
The other location, Qarth, is technically spoiled by the credits, but it’s not like anyone’s hiding the Westeros/Essos atlas, and Daenerys was going to have to find SOMEWHERE to go or else fade away forever. Qarth turns out to be a desert port (Lut Gholein, anyone?), with formidable walls separating its people from the “Garden of Bones”: one assumes that if you survive the Red Waste long enough to get to Qarth, you better find a way in before the sun finishes you off. After engaging in some loaded parlaying with some fat schmuck of “The Thirteen” (local government, possibly arrogant), the Mother of Dragons loses her temper (even without the ability to really back it up) and rages enough to impress one rather large dark man (name with a lot of Xs in it, I hear) Daxos. He pulls some ritualistic display of sponsorship, and Daenerys finally gets a break.
“Hey, do you hate Joffrey yet?”
“Yes, I totally do. Pretty much since he had Ned executed.”
“Are you sure? What if he turns Sansa into a shadow of herself?”
“Um, yeah, I would still hate him.”
“Hmmm, what if…”
“Yes! We want him dead already! You can stop bludgeoning us with reasons to hate him!”
“I don’t know…sounds like there’s still some wiggle room there…how about…we do this!”
“……”
Joffrey’s taking Robb’s victory pretty hard, and decides to take it out on Sansa in the middle of court, Mad King style. Tyrion shows up to rescue her, and foolishly tries to reason with Joffrey. It’s still very scary how Joffrey continues to justify such malicious behavior with the fact that he’s king and therefore torturing his subjects on a whim is perfectly natural. In fact, he’s SO messed up in his head that instead of enjoying Ros and Daisy, he sees them as a method to demonstrate to Tyrion who the hell is in charge here. I could feel my happy lizard brain (“Nudity! Yay!”) falter and then completely stall as it gradually dawned on it how badly the scene had turned.
Granted, I only know about one primary incident with the Mad King (his last, apparently) but one can probably see that monster doing the same crap Joffrey is now. This CAN’T be what the Lannisters intended when Cersei made her play, and every time I see Joffrey, it just gets worse and worse. There will come a time when even his mother will realize that with another Mad King, EVERYONE LOSES.
Tyrion is to the Lannisters as Ned Stark was to the Iron Throne: the man who SHOULD be in charge. The only man smart enough to outmaneuver his entire family: the key, it would seem, is to have as few skeletons in your closet as possible. (I dread for poor Shae…) Lancel is an idiot, and attempts to bully Tyrion with the power he thinks he has, but, much like Ned, learns that that only works when your opponent respects the power you claim to have. (Ooo, Varys was right.) Tyrion does not, uses the Grand Fear of Joffrey to reduce Lancel to a pleading fool, and gains his allegiance against Cersei inside five minutes. I was laughing the whole time.
I thought that the Marriage-of-Myrcella gambit was to figure out which member of the Small Council was a threat, but perhaps it was twofold. Since the only way Pycelle, Varys, or Baelish could be a threat was by being a spy for Cersei, not only did Tyrion need to figure out which one was the spy, but to then to use the release of the spy as the catalyst for getting Lancel alone (since Tyrion knows Cersei would never come to his room). Just goes to show how many moves ahead Tyrion thinks in the game.
And now for the Everyone Hates Baelish show! Pretty sure that Baelish knows by now how royally he screwed up (literally!), and now he’s scrambling to make sure he has an out when the bulldozers show up for the Lannisters. Problem is, Renly sees right through your desperate attempts to throw a lifeline toward him, Margaery doesn’t care what you think you know about her king/husband, and…really, dude? You pick now to make your move on Catelyn? I’m with her: "Have you lost your mind?!" And then he LIES about Arya! All while there is a BOX OF NED IN THE ROOM!!! Seriously, man, Varys is laughing his ass off at you. Now go home and see if you can put the Daisy pieces back together, you weasel.
Stannis and Renly finally meet and bark at each other. Renly laughs at Stannis’ unpopularity and teeny army, and Stannis glowers at Renly’s disrespect and Stark’s alliance. And yet Stannis is completely convinced he can win, while Melisandre warns in trite witchspeak. Are the pirates supposed to be the hidden hole card? Unless Stannis has some brilliant strategy, he’s toast. (Note that this is exactly how I felt as it was happening.)
So then Melisandre goes off to some cave to babble meanderingly around Davos. Is this part of the strat…wtf? Okay, I KNOW it didn’t take Arya nine months to get to Harrenhal, so something is seriously wrong with Melisandre here.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?
Lord of Light, my fat hairy eye. After a season of barely any magic at all (just Sheep Person voodoo and dragons), Magic finally shows up and claws its way out of the Red Witch’s womb. NOW I believe that Stannis can win if you toss wraiths into the mix. A lot of soldiers are going to die, unless the plan is to just erase Renly and be done with it. (Why aren’t they just pointing Melisandre’s thighs at King’s Landing then?)