Bam, reviving an old thread. (I couldn't care less about the previous argument)

I just played the first game I've had in quite a while, and there were plenty of funny moments.

Our group was tasked with salvaging some high-priority cargo from a cargo ship that had just recently dropped out of the warp after a long disappearance.

While navigating the oppressively dark corridors we began experiencing some odd phenomena. After losing contact with the shuttle that brought us, we headed for the Comms-array to contact him. When we got there we found the remains of a Tech-priest at the console.

We found a record that he made before death saying that the Gellar Field had somehow been lost while the ship traveled in the warp, and daemons began slaughtering the crew. The last record was the TP desperately trying to restore the field and send a distress beacon. After hearing this, our team's TP reverently walked up to the corpse and began giving a sort of Last Rites for the dead priest.

Upon finishing, he placed his boot on the corpse and roughly shoved it off the console.

Our GM sighed, shook his head, and said, "You know, for a second there I was surprised at your thoughtfulness and reverence... But then you ruined it." The TP player replies, "He got last rites dammit, if he wanted more he should've fixed it!"

Our psyker (who was playing the game for the first time) also had horrendous luck with Psychic phenomena. No joke, he rolled at least one 9 every time he tried to use a power. At one point he tried to use premonition, a minor power, and rolled his three dice to manifest. Three 9s. The first psychic phenomena roll peril'd and he rolled a 100. One spent fate point later, it was changed to 90 and gravity was turned off. Thankfully, we were on a low ceiling'd ship and thus couldn't fall very far. His second roll opened the warp for a second and gave two of us 1d5 insanity points, and the third gave him daemonic mask.

After being thrown in the air, glimpsing hell itself, and seeing that our psyker looks horrific for a few seconds caused our guardsman to blurt out, "Did you see THAT coming?!"

The psyker rolled more perils of the warp in his very first game than I've ever seen. Poor guy just couldn't win.

He also made enemies with our TP when he rolled Tech Scorn on the phenomena table. "You son of a *****..."

After buying a new mono edge bayonet for his beloved lasgun an obiously overjoyed guardsman said while petting the blade :

- Does it content me or not? -

After a year long campaign, 4 new PCs, 2 PC Deaths and various upheaval, the efforts of the (then) 7 PCs came to a head.

We had been struggling long and hard to make sense of what was going on as we were sent back and forth between the Inquisition and working undercover for a drug cartel. One of the only characters that could have kept on top of the plot, my old adept, i had rather stupidly decided to kill off after sidelining him upon getting bored. Sucks to be me. Well anyway, we were fighting a Noise Marine and his Daemonette minions underneath Ambulon on Scintilla. The city had recently been through civil war and been occupied by Throne knows how many factions, but was currently being used as an infernal warp apparatus to summon a massive daemon into existence (This was actually wanted by our Inquisitor, but as i said my adept was no longer in play so nobody knew how heretical he had turned and assumed he was still just slightly radical).

So the PCs rush towards the "big bad evil boss" of the campaign when all of a sudden he summons a warp vortex ala the Librarian psychic power from Deathwatch. He then proceeds to get over 100 on his power roll and we end up with a vortex half the size of the mobile city above us getting in the way of the fight. Several melee actions later and the Daemonettes are down, and one melta pistol shot to the face later and the Noise Marine is down.

Out of nowhere the GM describes a greater daemon of Tzeentch appearing through a portal underneath Ambulon and then fades to black. As you can imagine we were all incensed at this so i forthrightly demanded more be explained. So we burnt ALL the fate points of our characters (over 20 in total) to demand a proper finish. We get a cinematic fly-by of the imperium and some narration about how we served chaos well in our actions, yada yada yada, the end.

Actually now i right that down, that's not so much funny as sad... *cries*

Ah well, new campaign starting up tomorrow and this time it's Xenos not Hereticus centric, so will keep an eye/ear/mutant organ out for more anecdotes.

Had a fantastic session with one of my DH group on tuesday, several laugh out loud moments but one that sticks came from our mind cleansed tech priest.

The team are currently working undercover on Woe, which in our campaign is covered in small feudal kingdoms and completely un-aware of the Imperium as a whole. The cell had been sent in to find out what happened to another inquisisstion cell that was operating on planet, and they had managed to track one of there targets to the capital city of one of the kingdoms. They lucked out and managed to notic that the kingdoms secret police uses an aquila as there symbol so the Arbite and Commissar in the group managed to pass the team off as working for the secret police. Whilst in the mess hall in the city garrison waiting to question some of the guards the tech priest decided that he needed to strike up a conversation to keep his cover intact. Needless to say that with a fel of 14 he did do to well at small talk and succeeded in creeping a few people out. To try and save the situation he sleight-of-handed someone and injected them with a seditive, at this point I gave him the chance to roll perception which he failed completely so we moved on. A few turns later (whilst the female moritat was fending off the attentions of some slightly drunk city watch without killing them) I gave the tech priest another perception test which he botched, but decided not to re-roll. After 45mins the person they where there to interview arrived and I gave the priest a final perception test which he passed.

This resulted in him finally noticing that the person he had been talking to for the last 45mins had been drinking before the priiest sedated him, and that the guy had then passed out and landed face first in his soup bowl, and had been face first in his soup for the last 45mins. After a quick check for bubbles in the soup to see if the person in question was still breathing (which he wasn't) the priest then decided that the best thing he can do is pickup the corpse and walk out the room, announcing to all that the man was unwell and needed maintanace.

Had us rolling for a few minuets, and the moritat was glad for the distraction.

Surak

I had another good game with my group tonight.

We were sent to investigate a small town, long story short, there was a Genestealer cult.

After clearing out a series of underground tunnels and barely killing off the broodlord of the cult, our heroes made their way, haggard and beaten, to the surface.

With all of us heavily wounded or very close to it (and one of our members dead), we exited the tunnels and walked over to the old beat up truck we commandeered. As soon as our driver opened the door, a genestealer jumped out and pounced on him, miraculously not killing him. our arbitrator clubbed it and did a bit a damage, and the tech-priest calmly walked over and after quipping, "Oh, I am SO sick of this." used luminen shock and stunned it for a few rounds. The guardsman then got up and angrily placed the barrel of his autogun (with man-stopper rounds) on the 'stealer's head and full-auto'd while shouting, "DIE DIE DIE!" killing it.

He then got behind the wheel and shouted, "Get in the f**king truck!" and slammed the door.

I was running Tattered Fates with the characters being in the Red Cages.

After being lost for a good two days, their feet tired they found a giant conveyer belt moving in the direction they tought they needed to go, without thinking they jumped on and sat down for a break since the conveyer was doing the moving for them.

I started to describe the smell of blood on the conveyer and at that point the least intelligent of all the player remarked...

Wouldn't it be silly if this would lead up to a meatgrinder?

I looked down at my laptop....Tattered Fates, Part I, Chapter III, Scene II: The Meat Grinder

I bit my lip not to laugh....

Needless to say the players slapped the player making the remark for his Bards Tongue...

From last nights game came two related incidents....

The groups scum, who's a bit of a klepto (in the way that Kender from Dragonlance are all kleptos) asks the party techriest if he can have a closer look at one of the two "Unique & Most likely Xenos" plasma pistols. With out thinking the TP hands one over, he's busy compiling a report for his higher ups. The scum starts messing around with the pistol and gets not only a fail on his techuse (with a -30 mod for messing around with a xenos weapon for the 1st time) check but two degrees of Botch as well.

Unwittingly he turns it on,selects Burst Fire and presses the trigger all quite by accident. The group assassin was going through her daily exercises suddenly has to twist to one side (having spent a fate point to avoid being shot point blank with a 2d10+5+degrees of botch plasma burst to the chest) as the balls of plasma graze her chest, giving her 2 new scars and ruining her armour. The plasma bolts go through the side of the pressurised hovercraft they're using for transport.

The TP looks up from his dataslate and says "interesting".

The assassin shoots a look at the scum and says "Intersting? you could have killed me"

The scum quickly passing the cooling plasmapistol back to the techpreist says "Well, it's not like i did though is it?"

The assassin player (not IC) says "i'll get you back for that.."

An hour or so passes and the game progresses and the group find themselves in a fight with a cybermastiff, the assassin is insode a room whilst the fight is happening in the corridor. Already having lost an NPC to a rigged gun trap the assassin makes a half move to the wall, roughly where fight is on the other side and plunges her latheblade through the flakboard wall.

Sadly, not having blind fighting she had a -30 modifier, she was given the option of removing the wall with a couple of her attacks and Then attacking the dog who by this point had the scum pinned down and was ripping away at his flak vest and trying to get to his neck...

Choosing to just put the blade through the wall and hope for the best she rolls.. Her WS failed, with two degrees of botch causing the scum to be skewered in the side as the assassins blade whips in and out of him.

After the fight was finished, the next round with a shotgun to the dogs neck after the TP's Lumin Blast scored a massive 22 dam and the dog was all but dead (it was ignoring all crits due to combat drugs and had essentially 1 wound left) the assassin help get the very heavy dogs carcass off the scum helping him up.

The scum looks at her and says "you could have killed me.."

She retorts with "well, you shot me first.."

We all chuckled for a bit

Our group has a few recurring jokes.

The originating quote is followed by an explanation.

- "We're going to bust in there Cool-Aid style! Lemon-Lime will go in first (points at arbitrator NPC), Tropical Punch will provide cover fire (the guy on the Rihno's storm bolter)."

That was so random and out of place that shock was followed by laughter. Since then Lemon-Lime has become a permanent NPC and non of the players can remember his real name.

- "Who cares if he is guilty? Lets just convict him because we desperately need one in the win column."

My guardsman after a new PC character was introduced when we had to investigate a murder that he was framed for. We had just lost our psyker during a routine travel stop on the way to that mission. Now we use "one in the win column" for when we technically accomplish a mission, but not the way we should have. At least we still get to put "one in the win column".

- "Oh **** well, I'm throwing the inquisitor at him!"

The inquisitor in question is the frozen one from that mission where you go on the space hulk before the navy destroys it. Some guardsman on the team we met up with on the space hulk was suspected of hiding an item we came for, so he ran once he was found out. Guardsman with 60 strength at the time almost pulled it off.

Those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Most of those out of the out of place quotes is my doing, I expect my character to randommly catch fire soon.

Our games are usually pretty random and funny, but occasionally something stands out.

Something that is sort of an inside joke between a friend of mine is an event that happened not too long ago.

So the characters are trapped on this Destroyer. Originally they thought the ship was hijacked, though now they seem to think an insane heretek has taken over the ship. There are various types of slapdash mechanical abominations.

So, the scene. There are two characters, our ex-skitari guardsmen and our void-born psyker. Gunner (the guardsmen) is unloading full auto blasts from his pistol at two Cyborg Squigs. The psyker originally started out attempting to shoot the squigs, thinking them easy prey, but quickly realized they were actually very dangerous. So he unleashes his bio-lightening at one, getting overbleed. He uses both bolts to fry the creature into a crispy mess. After the inital celebration I chuckled and said aloud. Ha, very nice, too bad it only had 1 Hp left. His jaw dropped, then he began trying to convince me that he could split the bolt and attack the other one now. I told him he was mistaken, it wasn't chain lightening, his turn is over. But he persisted to argue until finally I wound up shouting "IT ISN'T INTELLIGENT LIGHTENING!"

So now anytime someone is being stubborn over something dumb, my friend and I go "It isn't intelligent lightning!"

-

My second event took place on the same ship, with the same two characters. Eventually, after clearing the 2nd deck and about half of the 3rd, they stumble across a strange alien weapon. What they didn't know was that it was a Hrud Fussil. Which turned out to be a warp weapon. Not more than a couple of minutes later they come across another abomination. A bizzare hybrid of flesh and machine. It was a decapitated torso with combat shotguns for arms, a head floating in a jar in it's stomach with his lower half being a mechanical spider. After their inital shock, the guardsmen pulls out the fussil and fires, actually managing to hit it despite the huuuge penalties he had. The warp corruption of the weapon causes a small disgusting tumor to grow out of his neck. He decides living is more important than worrying about the tumor, and fires the weapon on his next turn, which causes even more warp corruption. This time he winds up mutating horribly, growing massive and unsightly muscles. I (having very little concept of measurements) state that this causes him to grow 3 meters in height. Immediately they both started laughing and told me that he'd grow straight through the roof and so I changed it to about half a meter. Regardless, this causes quite a long break where we all began laughing at the notion of someone firing a gun and growing so huge he smashes through the roof. He also missed the monster.

We now call him "the Hulk"

Game "Shattered Hopes"

After the climb down and the large gap. and several injuries and 2 burned fate points. " Yea, I have rope "

After the Promethiem rooms explodes and 5 fate burned " Hey, that was gas on the floor. how did it go Off?" 3 guns on automatic and pair of grenades later

Not really something "heard" but another interesting situation in my game went as follows..

Normally i'm a pretty fair GM. I fudge things here and there, but thus far I have yet to kill anything other than disposable NPCs and very rarely do my players have to burn a fate point.

Now, my players has more or less begun recklessly checking rooms in this spaceship, and i wanted to put a little scare into them. So I set a nervous guardsmen up with a Heavy Stubber in overwatch position at a doorway. I was just going to have him open fire and spook them a little. However, I decided to roll, for the sake of realism. I rolled extremely well, and decided, what the hell, let's see what damage he does....

At full health, with storm trooper carapace and a toughness bonus of 4, the guardsmen was shredded to bits. Or at least he would have been without some fate burning. First his arm was blown off (fatepoint) then he nearly died of blood loss (fate point) and the only reason he survived was that the psyker was doing some seriously great rolls with his biomancy.

After that, they took to peeking into every room before walking in. They also remembered that there was such thing as overwatch and started using it against the creatures on the ship...

So the party was driving through the war torn capital of Altan. The guardsmen driver (player) kept crashing the car, so of course the party tech priest (also player) kept trying to fix it. he kept failing, badly. well the noble assassin (yet another player) of the group. kept saying i fix it and rolling very well. rolling 001 and 000 (super criting in my game). after several long minutes of what should have taken one, they hit a dog. the assassin, who at the time was texting, said i fix it and rolled 000, thus birthing the party cyber-mastiff.

Reviving an old thread.

I played my first few Dark Heresy campaigns over a period of 3 days last week; since I work from 5:30 PM to 8:30 or 9, we played through each one and completed them in the late hours of the morning.

First campaign we played was the one investigating the underhive of... Some city on Scintilla. The one with the Bodysnatchers. Anyway, our group (me being a Techpriest, and the others an Arbitrator [the GM], Cleric and Assassin) end up defeating the bodysnatchers (one of them by virtue of the Arbitrator blowing it's nose off with his shotgun and me literally frying it with my lasgun) and he asks me to make a Medicae test on it.

Me: -rolls dice- "Okay, I passed by two degrees."

GM: "You can tell that the body's sensory organs have been modified, such as the nose."

Me: "Wait, how? You blew it's nose off..."

Assassin's PC: "Make a Perception test to see if you can find the nose!"

Another incident happened when our group split up to investigate; the Assassin and the Arbitrator staked out the Churgeon's lair place and me and the Cleric went to the Enforcer HQ to try to hack the security system. The Cleric fires his grapnel up (getting a 07, actually) and I shimmy up it and loop a bit of the rope around me to secure myself while I broadcast a loop into the camera next to me. I roll a 98 on my Tech-use test and set off the alarm, but the Enforcers who came rushing out failed their +30 Perception test - they rolled a 99...

So somehow, just somehow, the Enforcers managed to not see a fat priest struggling to securely hold the rope a Techpriest is precariously dangling from in broad daylight.

Then the GM remembered something... "Wait, I don't get what you guys were doing... The windows are barred and the doors need security keys which you don't have. What were you even trying to accomplish?"

Biggest waste of time ever.

Or that awkward moment where you burst into the Churgeon's surgery and both you and the Arbitrator simultaneously scream and vomit uncontrollably. Then the Assassin chops one of the Homonculites in half and slips over in it's blood twice. Or when the Cleric tries to leap over the surgery table and onto the Churgeon but massively fails his test and faceplants onto a dead body. BUT, the funniest thing would have to be the fact that we actually ended up killing the crazy doctor because the Cleric set her on fire and the only thing she could do was run around like a headless chicken.

Or when we did the Shades on Twilight campaign, which I GM'd.. Tons of good moments there. For one, the single Dark Eldar Beastmaster was far more troublesome than all of the Warp Beasts. We couldn't get any damage on him... The Space Marine failed his Grapple 4 times so just gave up on it and Falcon PAWNCH'd the guy in the chest.

Anyway, we end up tying him up and the Cleric tries to interrogate him, but learns that the Beastmaster won't say anything useful.

Assassin's PC: "Well... We need to do SOMETHING with him..."

Cleric's PC: "We should torture him or something."

Me: "I'll pick up his Splinter pistol and fire it at his face." -rolls some dice- "Oh, look. I scooped one of his eyes out."

Arbitrator's PC: "I'll just cut his head off to put him out of his misery..." -does so- "...Hey... Can I keep the head?"

Later on, we find a very nifty use for the head... We're camping out near the Escape Pods when the DE have started invading the Space Hulk and the Arbitrator and Techpriest made a trap by setting a Frag inside the severed head and rigging it to go off when picked up, as well as pouring the Arbitrator's Amasec on the bottom step to light it on fire later.

The traps work alright, until one of the Kabalite Warriors fires at the Cleric (at the top corner of the stairs) and he's knocked unconscious and bleeding everywhere. At this point, the Assassin has the Luminous Reproach and is pwning every Dark Eldar in reach, but literally the only way he's killed them is by chopping a leg off and having them burst into flames. We think we're alright, until the Haemonculus comes in through the portal and sees that the Arbitrator is carrying the Liber Daemonica, so he bolts up the stairs and... Slips over in the Cleric's blood. It then gets a bolt in it's arm and it's leg chopped off... And it bursts into flames.

Then the Arbitrator tries to run over to the Cleric to grab his Firebomb but... You guessed it. Slips over in the blood. So my Techpriest runs over to wake the Cleric up with Stimm and... You guessed it. Slipped over in the Cleric's blood...

I GM'd a game last night that had my party defend a small town from bandits and marauders at one point.

They knocked their way through the marauders pretty easily, until they came upon a group of 9 chucking fire-bombs everywhere. They opened fire and killed two of the marauders, which caused the rest to run towards them. Next turn they only managed to kill one and wound another, and the marauders half-moved into range and started chucking fire-bombs. Four of the bombs landed squarely in the center of their tight group and set 2 of them on fire, dealing heavy damage. One of the immolated characters was a guardsman who is the longest running character in our group. He was already wounded, and so lapsed into critical damage and fell unconscious. The other player put himself out and continued fighting along with everyone else.

Unfortunately, no one thought of the guardsman, who couldn't put himself out, and he burned to "death". After a burned fate point his skin blackened and his body fat began sizzling and he lost half his fellowship (we bump critical damage to the next non-lethal result upon burned fate points). Once he died, the others realized they should probably put him out.

Unconcious and horribly scarred, but alive, the guardsman laid motionless on the ground. Next turn, the marauders chucked more fire-bombs and promptly set the group (including the guardsman) on fire once again.

Our guardsman ended up burning all four of his fate points on that one game. The first from being bum-rushed and grappled by a pissed off beast with a barbed tongue, two from the fire, and the last from being punched to crap by a daemon.

Reverend Hobo said:

On small criticism on your description of Fate point burning. Our group has always been of the belief that if you burn a Fate point, you are survive the killing blow, but are unconscious or otherwise out of the fight. However we also rule that it's unfair to constantly cause burning of Fate on subsequent turns, so we come up with ways for the characters to be removed from the danger. In this instance, have the Guardsmen thrown back into a ditch of water by a fire-bomb going off and leave him there for the duration. The player is down a Fate point, and will lose some Fel through scarring, but isn't drastically penalized by removing all of his Fate over the course of 3 or 4 turns.

On a lighter note (pardon the pun!) i totally agree with you on the fire-bomb front. We had a redemptionist cleric in our early games who, whilst everyone else was trading for expensive armour and high-grade weaponry, was just making dozens upon dozens of fire-bombs to immolate his enemies. Combined with his chainsword he was getting a higher kill-count than the telekine psyker or heavy stubber wielding guardsman.

Player 1: So, when will we get out monthly income? (he always asks this. No matter if only a day has passed in-game)

Me (GM): You won't

P1: What? Why not?

Me: The planet you're on doesn't have a moon

P2: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kasatka said:

I understand your stance, but I like the way we do it. Just because he survives the first assault, if his friends and teammates don't have the presence of mind to make sure he's okay then he may full well die.

Also, I should add some more detail I left out. The group's Biomancer was able to cast seal wounds on him and bring him out of critical damage and up to 5 wounds. The group then stood next to the guardsman without moving and shot at the marauders, who threw their firebombs. The bombs set the guardsman on fire, but didn't kill him. The rest of the group just stood there and let him burn to "death" again.

That said, if a character is incapacitated in some way, an enemy won't continue attacking him. For all they know, he's already dead, so as to avoid forced fate point burning as you said.

Man, that gay tech-Priest thing makes me recall that whole "DH Bolter vs Astartes Bolter vs Sororitas bolter vs DH Power Armour vs Astartes Power Armour vs Sororitas Power Armour" debate that hit the forums when DH came out. Good times...sorta.

Dark Heresy related, but not that funny: everytime I played/GM a game of DH, the Adepts always ended up scoring crazy hits/damage with the basic Revolver (and with on average 25-30 in BS) comparted to the Assassin/Guardsman, despite better BS, they got shadowed by the mild-mannered pencil pusher. Huh..

Not DH related, but still a bit funny:

I got the worst of luck sometimes, despite being lucky..

A while back I was playing a game of Star Wars D6; there was me (Doctor), a Wookie, a Bounty Hunter and a Jedi. We're on some swamp world riding on some barge in the middle of tick vegetation, when a platoon of droids soldiers comes outta nowhere and starts shooting at us. a NPC who was under our protection suddenly starts firing at us; turns out he's some sort of assasin droid wearing synthskin of some sort. Oh and he's got a Lightsaber too!

So the Wookie change in melee (highest init) and gets royally owned. The Jedi goes in while the Bounty Hunter does cover fire, and I hide behind the control panel.

3 rounds later, everyone is bleeding on the ground but me, and the barge is now speeding out of control in tick swamp vegetation. So I did what had to be done: I pulled my vibro-scalpel and go melee. A few lucky rolls later, I hit the droid assasin twice, he never even touched me, then he jumped out of the barge. Turns out we're heading straight for a tree, so I jumped on the command and narrowly miss the tree, saving everyone. So with the help of a local NPC ally, I patched everyone back to health (the Wookie and Bounty Hunter had a few missing limbs, so they had nice cybernetic replacements) and told them about the crazy lightsaber/vibro-scalpel battle I had with the assassin-droid, how I managed to regain control of the barge before it exploded etc etc...you know I was a hero.

Of course the Wookie player noted that NO CHARACTER WAS AWAKE TO WITNESS IT, so in-game, everyone just said that I was actually saved/helped by our NPC Ally and that nothing so Epic could have been made by some Doctor.

Flashforward to last week, another Star Wars D6 campaign; There's a Bounty Hunter, a Jedi and me, a locator (The Jedi now is the same guy who played the Bounty Hunter on my previous game) We're going throught some dense jungle when we got ambushed by small goblin-like savages armed with bows. The GM explains the scene, put in the now-mandatory stroboscopic effect (2 Suns with high winds going through the many branches=stroboscopic effect..kinda of a always-present running gag for combat) and of course I hit the worst initiative.

The Bounty Hunter starts killing the Goblins, the Jedi jumps on a high branch and goes melee, me being a simple locator (with crappy combat stats) I jump into a bush, hide and pull out my rope.

My plan is simple: grab the goblins on the branches with my rope so the bounty hunter can one-shot-kill them. But the Bounty Hunter and Jedi are killing them easely, so much that after 3 rounds of me moving from bush to bush with my rope, everyone laughed at the funny situation I was in. Keeping in mind that I'm a Mon Calamarian as well. Yes a Mon Calamarian on a jungle world, hiding in a bush with a rope, swearing at the many, MANY arrows shot me way (despite my horrible dodge, I never got hit once) Oh, and since everyone's busy killing Goblins, they only hear me swear and cuss and then the bush shakes and takes half a dozen arrows.

Pissed off, I throw my rope (with his grappling hook) on the last Goblin on the branch, fail my first throw, but got my second. So my rope misses the Goblin, but makes a 360 around the branch and hit the Goblin straight in the face, decapitating him (super high damage roll, go figure)

Combat ends, I'm **** happy making a kick-ass night-epic kill....then the Jedi player points out that NONE OF THE OTHER TWO WERE ACTUALLY IN LINE OF SIGHT OF MY MOST EPIC KILL. Again, they simply in-character laughed at my char, who, for all they know, spend combat hidden in a bush trying not to hang himself with his own rope.

Morality: When your non-combat PC makes an epic kill, make SURE there's another PC around to witness it.

Been playing Dark Heresy for about two years now and when I read this topic and got the giggles I had to throw my lot in!

While using a piece of virtual reality type tech IC we managed to OOC verbally wind someone who was guest NPCing for one session.

Two PCs (my tech priest included) were monitoring the device and programming from outside while the other two PCs were sat nearby inside the program itself. Unbeknownst to my character (who had recently been gifted with this strange tech) the device in question could pick up on the thoughts of those within it, who when faced with demonic creatures that shouldn't have been there started wishing fervently that they had weapons and armour to hand.

I will never forget poor Jimbo's expression when the GM entered the room and said "The image of Joe's Meathammer pops up on the screen."

Not realising that said hammer was a gun and having been told that the two PC's appeared in the programme naked, that statement gave the poor lad pause for thought.

Another occasion that springs to mind is when by virtue of some horrendous vile heretical technology all the PCs were transported back in time. After a bit of a skirmish with a chaos marine and various zombie like creatures we managed to rescue a small child and flee to the safety of some untainted domes. While being herded towards some temporary accommodation our steadfast straight arrow Arbite got into a bit of an argument with another arbite (who was being more than a little heavy handed in pursuit of his duty) and ended up getting himself knocked out by the guy. The rest of the party naturally rushed scrape their friend off the deck only to hear another voice shout "ENFORCER FARGO!". It was at this point that it suddenly became clear that when the PC had said his family had been Arbites for generations he had not been joking and had in fact been punched into unconsciousness by his own ancestor (who then turned and saluted his superior officer and was reprimanded for his actions) .

This has unfortunately led to, whenever he annoyed any other member of the party, them saying "Yeah? Well, quit hitting yourself Joe"

He still to this day does not know what the hell they are going on about

In response to Braddoc, I have a similar issue to you with characters that aren't technically meant to be combat monsters. My Tech Priest started out as a consummate wuss who really didn't like combat and wasn't very good at it. BUT! There is a slight difference. Whenever I'm in combat I tend to have amazing luck, but...ask me to roll below 71 to succeed at a tech use roll and I fluff it every single goddamn time. Earning me the OOC nickname The Monossiah. *sigh*

Worst.TechPriest.Ever

(And no one ever sees my few and far between moments of greatness! Harumph!)

After last nights session I had to share some of the madness with you guys and girls. (this post may contain Lure of the Expanse spoilers)

I have just started the group down the Lure of the Expanse adventure for RT, but as an inquisitorial cell that has been tasked with finding the dread pearl and discovering if it is a threat to the imperium. Whilst trying to infiltrate the auction on footfall they discovered that one of our long-running npc rogue traders was also on footfall and after the dread pearl. Now the gentleman in question is called The Lord Charles Gathorn Gathorn Harty the Third, and to say he is several sandwiches short of a picknick might be considered an understatement. Either way part of the cell decided to infiltrate the lord Harty's organisation as insurance incase they didn't manage to securre a place at the fortelling. This resulted in the groups adept turned demogoge turned Hierophant getting a job on the Lords ship as the Chief advisor of flower beds. He then decided to bring in two of the cells combat characters to give him a little backup. These characters are two guardmen currently under cover as mercenaries, and as such they were interview by the Lord Harty whilst and swiftly given jobs as his Chief Cat Masuse and the Lord General of Flower Arranging.

When it came to the auction the three of the cell in the Lord Harty's group decided to take his statement of " i have the perfect bid" at face value and didn't check it. So you can imagine the look on there faces when the Lord confidentally stepped forward and bid...... a 100m long tray of cheese nibbles. Suffice to say it didn't get accepted as a bid, but it was more than worth it for seeing our two guard combat characters so far out of there comfort zone.

surak

Catachan said:

So after reading this I have decided to make a Gaurdsman that uses 2 power fists called lemon and lime....then rip open walls and scream "OOOOH YEAHH" .......Also maybe have a catch phrase that is "B***h WTF is juice!" as he clocks people in the face

just can't stop laughing

Minor Tattered Fates SPOILER ALERT:

So I was running the rather fantastically enjoyable doctored version of Tattered Fates I'd settled on, and we were doing an early encounter, with the Spindle Maws

One of the PCs takes a hit to the leg from one of the beasts, but it fails to do any damage.

Me:"However, the beast's teeth to not penetrate, and its jaws slide off your carapace leggings, leaving a trail of saliva"

At this point, rather than looking relieved, the player looked thoroughly horrified, like something dreadful had just happened. I paused for a moment, wondering why he looked so distressed.

Him:"But how, no-*WHY* is the creature taking my pants off?"

Turns out he thought I meant something different by "slide off your carapace leggings".

Our assassin wouldn't stop making bow-chicka wow-wow noises as I described melee combat after that. So I had her character be trampled by stampeding grox. (not really)

Loque, THAT is a moment I envy you for.

Yes, if some disfigured xenos beast would start to undress my characters (with ease!), they would start getting the creeps, to!

Back2Topc [Warning! Small "Rejoice!"-Spoiler ahead!]
The following occured in my "Sonday"-Group. They were in the final of (a slightly altered version of) "Rejoice! For you are true" and starting squaring off with Theo (a kybernetical killing machine, once human; kinda robocop style with memory left). Since they were rather fresh and close and some weird psyker side effects turned a lot of it in a fight in the dark and later into a fight in zero gravity (THAT alone was funny!) the voidborn psyker managed to mental-blade a huge gap into Theos armor (NEARLY killing him) but lost his arm (due to the energy blades of Theo) in turn. The feralworld IG finished Theo with an automatic weapon.

So, the psyker was out on the floor, arm severed. The feral worlder (with a tendency to keeping trophies) took a stim patch to revive the Psyker. I describe him how he came back to conciouss, first dizzy then perceived clear, seeing Soman (the IG) in front of him.

Soman lifted him to his feed (the psyker is feeble, Soman is muscles and bloodlust) and adresse him with "Can you cut of the the head of him with your mental blade? I want the head".

This gave both the psyker and the psyker player a pause. I described that the psyker now recognized that his arm is missing, that he feels no pain and a little clouded (due to the Stim). The IG player reacted with anouncing that he picks up the severed arm of the psyker, sticks it into the psykers deep armaplast coat pockets and asks again.

The psyker player roleplayed his drugged-out-of-his-wits psyker and severed the head for him, but our table group was having a blast of laughter for the single-mindedness of both the IG-feral and his player. "Psyker is alife and feels no pain, so he is well. Hardest enemy I have met by now is dead, so I want a trophy".

My husband and I have been playing a running DH game for just over a year now and 2 sessions ago I (inadvertently) said what he claimed was one of the funniest things he'd ever heard in an rpg...I leave you guys to be the judge of that. I'd just like to point out that normally during our rpgs everyone is completely in-character (we have costumes/props and everything. Total geeks I know), so I suppose to hear me come out with this in that atmosphere added to the supposed hilarity.

My character is a sanctioned psyker (pyromancer specifically - think 2 steps from the Burning Princess), and the acting Inquisitor for our group. I won't go into all the details (since I currently have 13 pages of typed notes for the thing) but suffice to say that the hive world we were on was going to hell in a hand basket. Mass civil strife; open rioting, lynch mobs... the works. There were two (that I currently know of - we're still playing this one) main reasons for the unrest; 1) the world was almost completely cut off from the surrounding galaxy by some sort of confluence in the warp currents, and 2) there was a deranged (and tainted) minor member of the Ecclesiarchy preaching death and damnation to everyone who came within a 2 mile radius of him... which in a hive is a pretty significant number of people. Redemptionists everywhere.
The good father had cloistered himself safely within the walls of his cathedral, amid a couple thousand of his frothing followers; but because I'm awesome *cough* we managed to get him out (under his own power I might add!) and back to our little hide-out for questioning. One long and scream filled interrogation later I executed him for being an unstable and morally compromised witch. Of course this man was being heralded by the populace as a near saint. He was constantly wracked with warp spawned visions of judgment that he claimed was the Emperor's will made manifest on their sin plagued world. Never mind the fact that he was causing most of the so called "sins" to even take place with his rhetoric. This, of course, made being rid of him problematic. I could hardly dump the body out into the street - what if someone recognized him? The PDF (as they usually are) were completely useless in holding back the flash mobs - I didn't need to incite them further.
Sooo... a convenient beheading and burning shortly ensued. Then came the irony; poor Father Occlus had spent the last 9 months of his life devoutly burning everything he even thought was a sinner - now he was quietly charring to ash in front of me for the same crime. I couldn't help myself and chuckling said "I just dumpster fired their prophet."

Here's one of mine from my RT game:

We're traveling through the warp and our Exploritor is on his terminal and suddenly our captain decides to leave the bridge.... only thing is the TP locked him out of everything. After some funny arguing they settle on giving the TP 25% profit and he failed 3 attempts to unlock the ship for him. Sadly shortly after that we never saw the player again; mostly because his ex-girlfriend plays in the group. (he understood we were goofing off) None of it applied, but it was funny to witness.