Imperial Advisor Arem Heshvaun’s NO Spoiler Review of The Last Jedi

By Imperial Advisor Arem Heshvaun, in X-Wing

14 hours ago, Scopes said:

Does the Empire have diplomatic relations with Disney?

How are people seeing it already?

I am the very model of a modern Loyal Imperial Advisor.

I've information sectreted by Bothan’s behind a Rancor’s incisor.

I know the Sith Lords Canonical, and Clone Wars historical.

Planetary Systems Ahch-To to Yavin, in order Astrophysical.

I'm very well acquainted, with matters Separtist and Senatorial.

I understand Lightspeed Interdiction, Parsec and Quadratical.

Asked about Midichlorian count I am teeming with a lot o' news.

Pressed to perform I dare say I can even make a dour Hutt amuse.

I am the very model of a modern Loyal Imperial Advisor.

;)

2 hours ago, Imperial Advisor Arem Heshvaun said:

I am the very model of a modern Loyal Imperial Advisor.

I've information sectreted by Bothan’s behind a Rancor’s incisor.

I know the Sith Lords Canonical, and Clone Wars historical.

Planetary Systems Ahch-To to Yavin, in order Astrophysical.

I'm very well acquainted, with matters Separtist and Senatorial.

I understand Lightspeed Interdiction, Parsec and Quadratical.

Asked about Midichlorian count I am teeming with a lot o' news.

Pressed to perform I dare say I can even make a dour Hutt amuse.

I am the very model of a modern Loyal Imperial Advisor.

;)

Love this! Made my morning! My mother loves the original...I will have to show this to her.

On 13/12/2017 at 7:11 AM, Imperial Advisor Arem Heshvaun said:

This was an intelligent film.

Controversial.

I think that's far too much praise for a film that had very poor pacing and lacked a solid narrative. Pretty spot on assessment from @Azrapse for me.

17 hours ago, Azrapse said:

Just came from watching it with my son.

He spoke before I could even open my mouth "Is this even a Star Wars movie? It's more like Guardians of the Galaxy 2!".
Yes.

In our opinion, the worst big screen Star Wars movie ever made. (We loved Rogue One, I disliked TFA, he didn´'t mind it)

It straight away copies scenes and dialogues from previous movies. No even just Star Wars movies, no. You will be thinking "I have seen this before a thousand times" in several scenes. Because you have.
Empire Strikes Back? We saw it coming.
Return of the Jedi? Entire scenes and lines.
Even Independence Day, The Two Towers, and other movies.

Probably the worst Star Wars space battle ever depicted on screen, and the longest. It contradicts everything we have ever been told of how space battles work in Star Wars. The lamest, silliest game of Armada you can imagine? Worse.
If you thought that Han hypering in behind the shields of Starkiller Base was a forced retcon of how hyperspace worked, here you will see it taken much further towards the realm of cringe.

All characters seem to have a multiple personality disorder, playing comically exaggerated parodies of themselves, then immediately switching to the opposite of themselves in the next scene, then back again.
The humor doesn't know where to stop. Did you see those jokes in Guardians of the Galaxy 2 that fell so flat that you felt almost bad for the characters?
Here not only some jokes fall flat, but others feel so forced or so out of character or even out of "universe" that they become disturbing.
The porgs, that have been pushed down our throats so much by the marketing, are not only overdone. They look like kind of sad little hand sock puppets that belong to a cheap 80s movie, not a multimillion franchise from 2017.

There are so many things in this movie that go nowhere, or feel stitched in. The DJ character (and "his" ship) are both underwhelming and feel like a copy of another classic character of the saga.
Leia is, most of the time, just around with nothing to do other than make us remember how much we will miss Carry Fisher since she won't be around in the next movie to do anything worth anything.

There are two things that are cool with this movie: a certain lightsaber fight, and Mark Hamill.
The rest is so forgettable that I doubt anyone will remember this movie when they'll think on Star Wars in the future.

I read this and somehow i've got the feeling the movie is good (im only going monday). We probably did not see the same Gardians of the Galaxy 2 because i remember people at the theatre laughing hard on multiple occasions. And the ending was quite emotional because it contrasted with the overall movie mood.

So many supposedly "hardcore" Star Wars fan dished TFA yet it was a really good movie. Especially compared to the crap we had with the previous 3 ones. IGN gave 97% to TLJ. I would be incredibly surprised if it turns out as bad as you make it sound. It's at 86% on Metacritic at the moment.

I really mean no offense here but in regard to movies and TV shows, most overly critical persons i've met in recent years have become overfed by having too much to watch (tks to services like Netflix, torrent downloads or free streaming websites). Even the most delicious meals can become tedious if you eat them again and again... Food for thought :-)

Edited by Thormind

Honestly if somebody really uber loved Rogue One but dishes TFA I have a hard time with their general opinion on things.
See: Rebellions that killed my dad are built on hope, somehow the Tantive IV is here despite 3PO remarking everybody is suddenly leaving, more than one "Hold me as I die scene" in a war movie, a musical score even more flaccid than Episode VII's, and last but certainly not least, here's some scary new bad guys that are just as ineffective as literally every other mook.
-----
Advisor, are there First Order Bombers, and are they just repainted Imperial designs or are they new-underwear-fresh?

9 minutes ago, Captain Lackwit said:

Honestly if somebody really uber loved Rogue One but dishes TFA I have a hard time with their general opinion on things.

I could say the same thing about someone who likes the PT :P

21 minutes ago, Captain Lackwit said:

Advisor, are there First Order Bombers, and are they just repainted Imperial designs or are they new-underwear-fresh?

We don’t see any First Order bombers in the film. One shows up in a hologram in one scene, but given the fact it’s a hologram and the nature of the scene, we can’t really tell if it’s a First Order one or an original Imperial one.

20 minutes ago, Captain Lackwit said:

Honestly if somebody really uber loved Rogue One but dishes TFA I have a hard time with their general opinion on things.
See: Rebellions that killed my dad are built on hope, somehow the Tantive IV is here despite 3PO remarking everybody is suddenly leaving, more than one "Hold me as I die scene" in a war movie, a musical score even more flaccid than Episode VII's, and last but certainly not least, here's some scary new bad guys that are just as ineffective as literally every other mook.
-----
Advisor, are there First Order Bombers, and are they just repainted Imperial designs or are they new-underwear-fresh?

You know, maybe it's not a matter of being right or wrong. Everything you mention as defects in RO are so subjective and trivial that, compared with TLJ's flaws, they are nothing.

Perhaps some people value movies attending to a different set of parameters than some other.

Generalist reviews are written by generalist reviewers that value the movies in a general way. I don't do that. I value a StarWars movie attending to how good it's it compared to the other StarWars movies and if it tells a good StarWars story or not. Citizen Kane might be a great movie by its own, but it's a terrible StarWars movie. Can we agree on that?

About your question, there are no new FO fighters. Only Snoke's shuttle, that looks like a Lambda Shuttle with its wings half ways up and a Upsilon-like Cockpit. TIE/FOs or /SF, and Kylo's TIE.

I genuinely fail to see how you could come to such a positive opinion on the film as that original post. Reads like a paid advert to me.

32 minutes ago, Captain Lackwit said:

Honestly if somebody really uber loved Rogue One but dishes TFA I have a hard time with their general opinion on things.

Oh, by the way. You and I were discussing in another thread how lame and aberrant you considered the cutscene in X-Wing were the Rebels destroy 4 star destroyers by ramming them with another ship.

We can resume that discussion after you watch the movie. :)

1 hour ago, Procastination said:

Controversial.

I think that's far too much praise for a film that had very poor pacing and lacked a solid narrative.

So you didn't watch the Star Wars Episodes 1-7, right?

I love Star Wars, but this is the first film I would recommend for a cinephile, in terms of dialog, photography and narrative.

19 minutes ago, Stay On The Leader said:

I genuinely fail to see how you could come to such a positive opinion on the film as that original post. Reads like a paid advert to me.

So if a person thinks different than you he is malicious? Man, that's low.

6 minutes ago, Odanan said:

So you didn't watch the Star Wars Episodes 1-7, right?

Meaning what exactly? I think this was a terrible SW movie. As boring as AotC and outstretched as TPM.

1 minute ago, Odanan said:

So if a person thinks different than you he is malicious? Man, that's low.

No indication of malice towards the OP there. Just the same as I'm feeling - did I watch the same movie as the people who are giving it flawlessly glowing praise?

25 minutes ago, Odanan said:

So you didn't watch the Star Wars Episodes 1-7, right?

I love Star Wars, but this is the first film I would recommend for a cinephile, in terms of dialog, photography and narrative.

Being a Cinephile myself, I would say the best paced is A New Hope. (Excluding The Last Jedi, that I will see tomorrow.) It is pretty hard to beat the pacing plus the narrative and the world building of this film. While technically Empire is the better film, A New Hope is an Editing Masterpiece.

Edited by Jadotch
34 minutes ago, Jadotch said:

Being a Cinephile myself, I would say the best paced is A New Hope. (Excluding The Last Jedi, that I will see tomorrow.) It is pretty hard to beat the pacing plus the narrative and the world building of this film. While technically Empire is the better film, A New Hope is an Editing Masterpiece.

You didn't see it yet? I suggest you (and the others) to stop reading reviews and go find it out by yourself.

1 minute ago, Odanan said:

You didn't see it yet? I suggest you (and the others) to stop reading reviews and go find it out by yourself.

I came here for the ships!

44 minutes ago, Procastination said:

No indication of malice towards the OP there. Just the same as I'm feeling - did I watch the same movie as the people who are giving it flawlessly glowing praise?

Apparently he (and I) didn't.

But this is not a plastic, generic sequel, so yes, opinions will be polarized. (much like Alien III, but that was a strange movie made after 2 amazing ones)

1 minute ago, Jadotch said:

I came here for the ships!

These are not the ships you are looking for.

obi-wan.jpg

Also, any T-85's in the film? I keep hearing about them, but never have seen them (or even pictures of them.)

2 minutes ago, Jadotch said:

Also, any T-85's in the film? I keep hearing about them, but never have seen them (or even pictures of them.)

None. Someone from LFL said that absolutely all of them where destroyed at the Hosnian system.

6 minutes ago, Azrapse said:

None. Someone from LFL said that absolutely all of them where destroyed at the Hosnian system.

hsop.gif

5/10 its not prequel bad but its not a good movie certainly not great.

Its a remake of empire that doesn't hold up nearly as well as the remake of a new hope.

13 hours ago, Azrapse said:

Oh, by the way. You and I were discussing in another thread how lame and aberrant you considered the cutscene in X-Wing were the Rebels destroy 4 star destroyers by ramming them with another ship.

We can resume that discussion after you watch the movie. :)

You're pretty high and mighty on this. And I still hold my stance, having seen the film.

Perhaps one of the greatest part of the movie for me.

In case you wish to read it after seeing the movie, here is the full conversation between

Luke and Master Yoda

Luke: Master Yoda.

Master Yoda: Young Skywalker.

L: I'm ending all of this. The tree, the Text, the Jedi. I'm gonna burn it down.

- - -

Y: Ah, Skywalker. Missed you, have I.

L: So it is time for the Jedi Order to end.

Y: Time it is. For you to look past a pile of old books, hmm?

L: The sacred Jedi Texts.

Y: Oh. Read them, have you? Page-turners they were not. Yes, yes, yes. Wisdom they held, but that library contained nothing that the girl Rey does not already possess. Skywalker, still looking to the horizon. Never here, now, hmm? The need in front of your nose.

L: I was weak. Unwise.

Y: Lost Ben Solo, you did. Lose Rey, we must not.

L: I can't be what she needs me to be.

Y: Heeded my words not, did you? Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery. But weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is. Luke, we are what they grow beyond. That is the true burden of all masters.

What is important and funny here is that

Master Yoda is well aware that Rey took the Jedi Texts with her for safe keeping. Master Yoda is TROLLING Luke.

Remains strong in The Force and the Sass, he has.

Edited by Imperial Advisor Arem Heshvaun