I would love to get some feedback from the community on this short story I wrote as an introduction to a campaign, modeled after what appears in the official rulebooks...
Any constructive criticism would be much appreciated...

The Dragon's Nest

17 hours ago, Kainrath said:

I would love to get some feedback from the community on this short story I wrote as an introduction to a campaign, modeled after what appears in the official rulebooks...
Any constructive criticism would be much appreciated...

The Dragon's Nest

Man, that's some crazy **** right there. Well written, but not necessarily the best way to convince a player that it's time for a krayt dragon hunt.

18 minutes ago, Degenerate Mind said:

Man, that's some crazy **** right there. Well written, but not necessarily the best way to convince a player that it's time for a krayt dragon hunt.

Yeah, one of my concerns is that having someone blow their brains out, isn’t very “Star Wars” ... but on the other hand, I like the seriousness of the tone.

26 minutes ago, Kainrath said:

Yeah, one of my concerns is that having someone blow their brains out, isn’t very “Star Wars” ... but on the other hand, I like the seriousness of the tone.

The problem isn't that it's not very Star Wars-y, it's that I'm not quite sure what exactly you're trying to convey with this. Are you trying to recruit players? Are you summarizing a campaign to players who are already on board? Is this going to be a survival horror game? Is it an exotic hunt? What is your goal with what you wrote?

7 minutes ago, Degenerate Mind said:

The problem isn't that it's not very Star Wars-y, it's that I'm not quite sure what exactly you're trying to convey with this. Are you trying to recruit players? Are you summarizing a campaign to players who are already on board? Is this going to be a survival horror game? Is it an exotic hunt? What is your goal with what you wrote?

The PCs are tasked with stealing krayt dragon eggs. The first expedition was a failure (hence the PCs being hired) which is what the short story portrays.

It’s just meant to add some flavor, and set the stage for what the players are getting into, I guess

4 minutes ago, Kainrath said:

The PCs are tasked with stealing krayt dragon eggs. The first expedition was a failure (hence the PCs being hired) which is what the short story portrays.

It’s just meant to add some flavor, and set the stage for what the players are getting into, I guess

In that case, it sets the stage very well. I like it.

A few word choices seemed contrived, and sentence structure is a little spotty. Some grammar transgressions, but nothing major. The white text is a little tough to read on the colored page, particularly in the upper right. I'm not sure what the answer is there; black wouldn't be any better and text blocks with two or more colors to differentiate the text from the background always seem awkward to me.

Despite my criticisms I did like it, but I think if you're using it to set the stage it gives too much away. We now know that there are at least two krayts, one of which is a juvenile and the other is of unusually large size. We also know that the lair has been there since almost time immemorial (and therefore may contain other valuables). If I'm a PC and these details don't materialize in the campaign, then I'd feel cheated. If they do, I won't be surprised, because I already knew what was coming (or I'd think I did). I think you could achieve a similar sense of dread and suspense without revealing quite so much.

9 hours ago, SFC Snuffy said:

A few word choices seemed contrived, and sentence structure is a little spotty. Some grammar transgressions, but nothing major. The white text is a little tough to read on the colored page, particularly in the upper right. I'm not sure what the answer is there; black wouldn't be any better and text blocks with two or more colors to differentiate the text from the background always seem awkward to me.

Despite my criticisms I did like it, but I think if you're using it to set the stage it gives too much away. We now know that there are at least two krayts, one of which is a juvenile and the other is of unusually large size. We also know that the lair has been there since almost time immemorial (and therefore may contain other valuables). If I'm a PC and these details don't materialize in the campaign, then I'd feel cheated. If they do, I won't be surprised, because I already knew what was coming (or I'd think I did). I think you could achieve a similar sense of dread and suspense without revealing quite so much.

I hadn’t considered what it spoils in term of plot... I will definitely take that into consideration.

thanks!