Heh.....here was a joke design I did years ago-- Meet, the USS Outgunner....the most heavily armed, peaceful, non-military, space exploration vessel the Federation has ever made:
Length: 285meters. 16 Phaser Pulse cannons (8 fwd, 8 aft), 16 Photon Torpedo launchers (8 fwd, 8 aft), 6 dual emitter phaser banks (2 fwd, 2 port, 2 stbd), 4 warp engines, Max Sustained Speed: Warp 9.9899. Max Emergency speed: Preposterous Speed at 1 hour and 43 minutes. (Just a step above Ludicrous speed.)
Espousing the Federation's desire for peaceful exploration throughout the Alpha and Beta Quadrants, StarFleet Command commissioned the "Conservative-class" starship to deal with the rigours that come with prolonged, deep-space exploration, study, and diplomacy. StarFleet's mantra for this design: "Solving problems before they even have a ghost of a chance to start."
Hostile ships will steer clear of this vessel (on the order of 2 parsecs distant...just to be safe) as she traverses the space lanes like the "Belligerently Drunken Lady of the Stars" that she is.
Among our own personnel, no less a personage than Admiral James T. Kirk himself was quoted as saying (quite aghast, it must be noted) : "I wouldn't touch that ship with a maximum ranged phaser shot!" Captain Spock was quoted as saying: "A disturbingly fascinating perversion of function vs mandate, charter, or simple intent." Dr. Leonard McCoy could not be reached to clarify his own non-verbal statement of simply throwing up his hands in the air in resignation.
In diplomacy, there is no ship better suited to the task than the "Conservative-class" starship, as her ample armaments will scare the living bejeezus out of the hardiest, proudest, most recalcitrant warrior races. One rather battle hardened Klingon captain was quoted as saying: "GaH! jiH GeH PaH MaH GurQ HaH QaH!" (a translation could not be extrapolated because it was later learned that the Klingon captain was, in fact , fatally choking in terrified surprise at the mere sight of this exploratory beauty.) A statue stands in the Hall of Warriors on Q'onoS (the Klingon Homeworld) of this captain pointing directly ahead. It was later learned that this was the last pose he struck before collapsing back into his chair and dying, and that his bold pointing was actually him simply pointing at the screen as if to say (in human terms) "What the flying (emphatic, disjointed string of expletives deleted) is THAT?!!" Yes, his statue does indeed stand in the Hall of Warriors.... off in a dark, often unoccupied corner of the Hall.
In deep space exploration, when visiting a world that is applying for membership in the Federation, as the "Conservative-class" starship enters orbit to finalize negotiations, the first hail they often receive from the governing body on the surface is a very enthusiastic, rather abject statement of allegiance: "WE SURRENDER!!!!" (Coincidentally, that happens to be the first hail they receive when they encounter a new alien species for the first time......EVER.)
She carries state of the art armaments for her peaceful exploration through the stars.... and as a result of the budgetary priorities shelved into her design, she carries the exploratory equivalent of a tricorder. (It has often been speculated that she actually has only one tricorder in her ship inventory, and that when it is in use as a sensor device aboard ship, it is plugged into the ship's targeting computers....sooooo....). However, her three science officers: an Andorian, a Tellarite, and a Vulcan currently suspended from the Vulcan Science Academy for reasons unknown.... (out of a crew of 402 troops) do make the best use (that they can) of said on-board exploratory equipment.
Her declared status as a non-military exploration vessel of peace is of little comfort and dubious regard (and not inconsiderable doubt) among galactic powers, both allied and hostile. Prominent Vulcans have often speculated that, were Surak, the father of Vulcan philosophy, alive today, he might say something to the effect of: "If that is a ship of peace, then I am a pacifist Klingon!"
The most recent ship to join the class line, the USS OUTGUNNER has a dedication plaque that reads: USS OUTGUNNER, NCC-XXX, Conservative-class Starship, Utopia Planitia Spaceyards, "What? Me, worry?"
