5 minutes ago, Shu2jack said:

...having two changes in leadership so close together is really bad for a group if she dies...

I hate to say it, because I really have nothing against her personally, but as she's been presented so far, having her removed from power somehow would be a lateral move for the Crane, at worst.

3 minutes ago, Kakita Renju said:

I really hope that Doji Satsume killer is not a Scorpion.
And the Scorpion just keep the secret of the killer identity, so that rokugan is not destroyed by a large scale war.

That would be cool and in character.

I'm fairly sure if the original story had 11 pages dedicated to developing Hoturi's character pre coup he would have been depicted almost exactly like Hotaru is here, even being giddy and lovestruck over Kachiko.

11 minutes ago, Shu2jack said:

but honestly I can't imagine a champion sulking in the back while others bleed for you.

That's fundamentally how warfare works in Rokugan.

Just now, Tetsuro said:

I'm fairly sure if the original story had 11 pages dedicated to developing Hoturi's character pre coup he would have been depicted almost exactly like Hotaru is here, even being giddy and lovestruck over Kachiko.

And if that were the case, I'd have the exact same opinion towards him.

I kinda hope Satsume was killed (in a dishonorable and underhanded fashion) by either a rogue Lion (enemies of the Crane, but the clan would be horrified if they knew how it had been done), a Phoenix (some of that non-Maho villainy I so pine for), or one of those heretics the Dragon are dealing with (destabilize the Emerald Magistrates and keep them too busy looking for the culprit to help the Dragon root you out), and the Scorpion know but are sitting on the secret until they need it as leverage...

Plot twist: Satsume was killed by a child from a side affair, and whose life was hell due to that. Killing Satsume was an act of revenge, for, I don't know, making killers mother suicide.

I want to see Hotaru find out the truth and be torn apart between the human feeling of sympathizing with the killer and high fiving them, and having to actually do her duty of revenge.

If you want to be cheeky, give the kid name "Dairu" :P.

I would be too much of the old lore but wath if that Satsume found out that the emperor is fu leng.
Bind by honor and is duty, he can't do a thing, so he committed sepuku.
the scorpions are covering that up, because they have a plan , a coup maybe?

Plot twist: Doji Kuwannan killed Satsume and is plotting to kill off Hotaru in an ambitious bid to become champion.

Maybe they will pull a Lannister with Kuwannan and Shizue and they will both be in on it.

Yay, fiction.

Nice introduction to Doji Hotaru I must say; I like her as a character already and I look forward to reading her grow. As heavily flawed as Hotaru is (and I mean that in a good way), I can't wait to read more fictions and find out the flaws of the other Clan Champions as well.

Plot twist: Sataume did die of natural causes and everyone else is looking for/creating answers that do not exist. The mistrust and mass minuplation would be fun in courts while the others use the distraction to create opportunities.

But what do I know. Citizen Kane was not interesting anyway.

FFG is rebooting the franchise without the living shadows,the colonies ,spider is great clan,[insert more wtf moment of the timeline] nonesense
I hope we will not see too much superhero united against a extraordinary opponent.
I hope it will be about Samurais ,honor, duty, betrayal at a human level.

Thanks for trying your best FFG, i like it so far !

1 hour ago, Ultimatecalibur said:

I understand where they are trying to go with Hotaru. She is a young naive Hime-kishi.

I'm also going to ask if it had been Hoturi moving to fight against the Ronin would you have the same problems or is it just because Hotaru did it?

Some of both, really. In the original, I frankly found Hoturi's story a bit of a mess and hard to follow. He felt like he was all over the place as far as motivations and I never really had a good handle on him, so I'm not sure whether that's biasing me against Hotaru, or in favor, since she has such a low bar to clear

Still, if I were to look at the story with Hoturi instead of Hotaru, I'd still probably feel like he was acting as a bad champion, and failing miserably in his duty to the clan. Getting into combat, that would be the one part I'd forgive - unless he also acted the idiot and told his fellow soldier to stand back and let him do it alone. I know it's fantasy, and I know FFG is trying even harder than AEG (who did a lot of this too) to portray women in all roles, but I get tired of the kick-*** female warrior trope. So yeah, on that one point, I'd probably be more forgiving to a male champion than a female, but I think I'd still find him a pretty poor champion, and a bad omen for the Crane, had that been Hoturi - or even a male champion with a different name...

Plot Twist:

Doji Shizue: *tapping her fingers* Excellent.

3 minutes ago, agarrett said:

Some of both, really. In the original, I frankly found Hoturi's story a bit of a mess and hard to follow. He felt like he was all over the place as far as motivations and I never really had a good handle on him, so I'm not sure whether that's biasing me against Hotaru, or in favor, since she has such a low bar to clear

Still, if I were to look at the story with Hoturi instead of Hotaru, I'd still probably feel like he was acting as a bad champion, and failing miserably in his duty to the clan. Getting into combat, that would be the one part I'd forgive - unless he also acted the idiot and told his fellow soldier to stand back and let him do it alone. I know it's fantasy, and I know FFG is trying even harder than AEG (who did a lot of this too) to portray women in all roles, but I get tired of the kick-*** female warrior trope. So yeah, on that one point, I'd probably be more forgiving to a male champion than a female, but I think I'd still find him a pretty poor champion, and a bad omen for the Crane, had that been Hoturi - or even a male champion with a different name...

I didn't mind the fighting, but insisting on fighting the guy herself was a bit foolish. Not only did fighting the guy alone seem like just an ego-stroke, but she threw away her entire secrecy plan to do so . We have no reason to believe that her remaining anonymous would have changed the outcome of the ambush, and considering how big a deal was made of her trying to enter the city secretly, it seems odd, to say the least, that she'd throw it all away just to see some action.

5 minutes ago, Wintersong said:

Plot Twist:

Doji Shizue: *tapping her fingers* Excellent.

Does she also evilly stroke her cat?

Just now, Doji Tori said:

Does she also evilly stroke her cat?

Oh! So Shizue's the one who killed Satsume (or had a henchman kill him)!

This can only lead to Shizue capturing Hotaru and trying to execute her in a long, drawn-out, overly-complex manner, then leaving to deal with some other matter half-way through the process, allowing Hotaru to escape!

If this ends up happening, I'll take back everything negative I said about this fiction! XD

You know, its in character for a young samurai to be a little naive, arrogant, and short sighted. I'm 28 and still make some boneheaded mistakes, let alone when I was 18. However, people are overlooking her arrival was in secret save for the Scorpion spies who picked up on her arrival into the city whom informed Kachiko.

I feel like I just read two stories.

The first story I read involved a bandit ambush and a meeting between sisters afterwards that was littered with awkward cadence and a ton of "tell, don't show" writing choices that really made it feel unpolished and jerky.

The second story I read involved two lovers from rival clans and the main character's struggle with internal conflicts through a well-executed flash-back and a series of well-crafted and well-paced dialogue points.

I feel like the first part would've benefited from another editorial pass, and maybe reading it out-loud to find the rough edges to sand down. The second party shows more of what the author is truly capable of, so I hope to see continued improvement. Work on a more natural progression of "show, don't tell," through the perspective character and test the dialogue out to see if it feels natural or awkward.

19 minutes ago, JJ48 said:

I didn't mind the fighting, but insisting on fighting the guy herself was a bit foolish. Not only did fighting the guy alone seem like just an ego-stroke, but she threw away her entire secrecy plan to do so . We have no reason to believe that her remaining anonymous would have changed the outcome of the ambush, and considering how big a deal was made of her trying to enter the city secretly, it seems odd, to say the least, that she'd throw it all away just to see some action.

She didn't throw her secrecy plan just to see some action but to save at least one of her clansmen. And seeing that he struggled against three peasants, there's nothing implying that Nerishma (or any other unnamed guard of the caravan) could have beat a Niten-trained samurai. So, she may have been the only one able to easily kill him and limit the losses on the Crane side.

You're also jumping to conclusion pretty quickly on Satsume's assassin being Kachiko's brother. With Scorpion being the "obvious" choice and Kachiko's brother being the first suspect mentioned, it looks a lot like a false trail and something to add tension between the two lovers. It's far too "easy" for him to be the real culprit.

I also feel that some people are forgetting that those stories are not only targeted toward people who already know the different clans like the back of their hand. I'm thinking of your distate of the focus on pursuit of perfection. I'd guess it's because you already know that's one of the (if not THE) Crane main theme, but that's not the case for newcomers. So it's very important to put some focus on it for them to have a feeling of what is important to that clan. I think we'll see similar focus (which will seem obvious to returning players) for the future Clans' introduction story.

Well,

I have just read the story and I have to say: you are forgiven for changing Hoturi for Hotaru.

51 minutes ago, JJ48 said:

I didn't mind the fighting, but insisting on fighting the guy herself was a bit foolish. Not only did fighting the guy alone seem like just an ego-stroke, but she threw away her entire secrecy plan to do so . We have no reason to believe that her remaining anonymous would have changed the outcome of the ambush, and considering how big a deal was made of her trying to enter the city secretly, it seems odd, to say the least, that she'd throw it all away just to see some action.

I think that's just how honorable samurai are supposed to fight. Even in large scale battles my understanding of etiquette is that the fighting is mostly 1v1. You defeat one opponent and then move on to fight another. You don't stab people in the back while they are fighting someone else. Ect. Obviously it wouldn't always work out that way. But it's the ideal... And supposedly the Crane are all about honor.

I think that one thing we should maybe keep in mind is that a lot of these first fictions might be written with a new audience in mind, that hasn't spent the last 20 years reading AEG's fictions. So I think some 'clunkiness' or straight forward writing is to be expected, and is warranted. Not everyone is going to know what Niten, or the proper honorifics (-ue, -san, -sama etc.) are, and I think the writing should be accessible to new players. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we probably should not be judging the writing or fictions based on the groundwork that they are laying right now with the first few stories.

(I mean I thought it was a good story, but that's just me! )

1 hour ago, JJ48 said:

I didn't mind the fighting, but insisting on fighting the guy herself was a bit foolish. Not only did fighting the guy alone seem like just an ego-stroke, but she threw away her entire secrecy plan to do so . We have no reason to believe that her remaining anonymous would have changed the outcome of the ambush, and considering how big a deal was made of her trying to enter the city secretly, it seems odd, to say the least, that she'd throw it all away just to see some action.

The dude was a samurai. They fought a duel like civilized samurai and she gave him a honorable death (instead of capturing him alive, torturing and then beheading in public). If she did anything else, she would be a terrible example of a Crane to have your first exposition as a reader to.

Which brings me to something I will criticize this fiction for: it feels like a fiction made by an Old L5R Writer writing for Old L5R Readers in New L5R World. I don't think this piece works very well as first introduction to the world - it's not something I would show someone who is interested in trying out the new card game but didn't engage with the lore of old one.

Indeed, it was only honorable for Nerishma to follow her instructions and let her fight her opponent one-on-one. This wasn't open warfare and she's not some underhanded Scorpion or something, after all.