If the person apologizes for it but it still happens albeit a bit more infrequently? Lets say he is harsher on himself than being a total arse to others and it is just a vocal condemnation of himself?

Hi Lyraeus,

I identify with this a huge amount. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and when I'm in a dark mood, this is me all over. I get wound up and angry about even the smallest, imagined fault in myself or wrong/bad thing I've said or done, and spend hours and sometimes days sulking, complaining and generally being an arse about it. My wife is very patient (and also a trained counsellor).

I also want to remind you of a point someone else made about seeing a mental health professional. You've identified yourself as having a high-functioning autistic spectrum disorder. That is not your fault, but it is something that you might well need to get some external help in dealing with. I tried to solve my anxiety and depression by myself, and it did not work. The problem is that the thing you're trying to use to solve the problem - your brain - is also the *source* of the problem. After identifying that I actually had a mental health disorder, I had counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy, and sessions with a psychiatrist and a psychologist to try and address the problem. The latter was most helpful - a combination of a psychiatrist to deal with the medical/chemical side of things, and a psychologist to delve deep into the long-standing negative beliefs about myself, and where they came from. I'm not saying that this is precisely the approach that would be most helpful for you, and I also don't know whether you have already sought professional help, either medically or from a talking-therapy angle. I'm just giving my own example because I identify with a lot of what you have been saying.

I have a couple of friends with high-functioning ASDs and they can be annoying as ****. One constantly tries to correct me for even the smallest mis-remembrance of a past event (literally, a wrong word in a recollection of a random conversation from 12 years ago); the other always plays the self-pity "why can't I get a break, why is everything so terrible" angle. I have chosen for the most part to stick with them because I know that not everyone is as socially capable as others and that, as I said and this is really important, it is not their fault, and it is not your fault either.

Having said that:

Someone already said it but it's a very important point. You need to own who you are, warts and all. That includes knowing how you come across to others, and for someone with an ASD you seem to have a really good grasp of that. I know from the experience of my friends that ASDs rob you of the ability to think outside your own head, and to visualise a situation from another person's point of view. So being able to understand how others see you and how your behaviour appears is no mean feat. If someone is getting annoyed with you during a game, you could say something along the lines of "Hey, listen, in case you weren't aware, I suffer with Asperger's syndrome and it affects the way I behave. It's nothing to do with you and I'm sorry if it's making you uncomfortable. Please let me know if there's anything in particular that I should stop doing, because it's really hard for me to make that call myself."

And now the really, really important part.

You get to choose how you behave.

In every situation, with any given person, you have the opportunity to stop and think about how to respond - based not only on your own internal logic system, but also on what you know about how others view you, even when that contradicts the system. Sometimes the internal logic system is wrong. I'm going to say that again because for someone with an ASD this is almost unthinkable: Sometimes the internal logic system is wrong. It might make sense within itself, but its presuppositions and premises are faulty. That is the real issue, and it's one that I have struggled with a lot. In my case, beliefs that I was unlovable, uncared for, inadequate and so on affected the starting point for my evaluation of my interactions with others (as well as a pile of other stuff). This led to perfectly consistent and logical thoughts such as "I am unlovable, and therefore there is no point in attempting to enter a relationship with anyone". The outcome of these logical processes was damaging to my own life and to the lives of others around me. It all made sense in my head, but because the initial premise was incorrect, the entire logical process arising from it was also incorrect. It took me a long time to be able to change those initial thoughts and so to be able to come to different conclusions about myself and others.

If you know that some of the ideas about yourself and/or others that you have right now are incorrect, you can choose to reject them, and adopt different ideas. This isn't easy in the slightest and I refer back to my point about professional help. I don't believe, actually, that anyone can do it alone. We need the input of others who are outside our own mental space, when that mental space is causing us problems. But ultimately it is worthwhile.

I don't believe that the problems you've been facing are actually anything to do with Star Wars: Armada. That's just part of the social scene in which the issues have manifested themselves.

I know this was a long post but I hope it's been helpful. You can PM me any time if you want to talk about any of this.

What I dont get is people think I am bragging when I say I am a good Armada player. . . that makes no sense to me really. Its not a lie, people in my area rank me as in the top 3. Sure its pond versus ocean but it is not any less true. SO to me it is just what it is. I am not boasting about it or bragging about it, it is just fact to me. Sounds arrogant I think but that is how my mind works.

Many say to be humble and they dont understand that I actually am, and if I am not then I dont know when I am not. So confusing. .

The issue is you say it constantly.. if someone new is setting up to play you casually and says something like "well, I'm new at this" and you say one time "well I'm pretty good, been playing awhile. If you have any questions let me know" once that isn't a big deal. Here in the forums where pretty much all the regulars know you still hear you reference how good you are quite often, frequently while being defensive about a casual or even helpful comment.

Just play good. Everyone has an instinct to brag a bit or desire to let folks know if they are talented at something.. just let your play (not just wins/losses but good games) make your reputation, you don't need to soapbox it. If you have a thought or advice for someone, just give it... don't preface it with "well I placed xth in this big tourney" or "I win most of my games and.." or "when I won blank I found that".. there are times and places for that, but it's usually not in general or casual conversation. Good advice is good advice, no matter the source. Just giving good advice lets people know your good at the game without you having to tell them.

What I dont get is people think I am bragging when I say I am a good Armada player. . . that makes no sense to me really. Its not a lie, people in my area rank me as in the top 3. Sure its pond versus ocean but it is not any less true. SO to me it is just what it is. I am not boasting about it or bragging about it, it is just fact to me. Sounds arrogant I think but that is how my mind works.

Many say to be humble and they dont understand that I actually am, and if I am not then I dont know when I am not. So confusing. .

The issue is you say it constantly.. if someone new is setting up to play you casually and says something like "well, I'm new at this" and you say one time "well I'm pretty good, been playing awhile. If you have any questions let me know" once that isn't a big deal. Here in the forums where pretty much all the regulars know you still hear you reference how good you are quite often, frequently while being defensive about a casual or even helpful comment.

Just play good. Everyone has an instinct to brag a bit or desire to let folks know if they are talented at something.. just let your play (not just wins/losses but good games) make your reputation, you don't need to soapbox it. If you have a thought or advice for someone, just give it... don't preface it with "well I placed xth in this big tourney" or "I win most of my games and.." or "when I won blank I found that".. there are times and places for that, but it's usually not in general or casual conversation. Good advice is good advice, no matter the source. Just giving good advice lets people know your good at the game without you having to tell them.

I was actually talking to a close friend of mine about how I handle new players or people with less than 10 games under their belt. After asking how many times they have played (or if they want to play my version of the demo game) I let them know that Armada is a game of experience and so not to get intimidated but to just play and have fun. Make mistakes because that is how you learn.

I don't think I tell people I am outright better than them or such, I do warn them that I have played a lot.

Do I really brag about my games here? I know the possible worst case was the store championship when I was using that as an example bit I think it may of been a misconstrued response like DtO is. Though I am learning not to reference both now. I think I will have a hard limit enforced for how many times I mention X event.

This thread makes me proud of the online community that we have here. I've seen a lot of wise posts, a lot of supportive comments, a lot of constructive feedback, and plenty of encouragement.

Go community!

What I dont get is people think I am bragging when I say I am a good Armada player. . . that makes no sense to me really. Its not a lie, people in my area rank me as in the top 3. Sure its pond versus ocean but it is not any less true. SO to me it is just what it is. I am not boasting about it or bragging about it, it is just fact to me. Sounds arrogant I think but that is how my mind works.

Many say to be humble and they dont understand that I actually am, and if I am not then I dont know when I am not. So confusing. .

The issue is you say it constantly.. if someone new is setting up to play you casually and says something like "well, I'm new at this" and you say one time "well I'm pretty good, been playing awhile. If you have any questions let me know" once that isn't a big deal. Here in the forums where pretty much all the regulars know you still hear you reference how good you are quite often, frequently while being defensive about a casual or even helpful comment.

Just play good. Everyone has an instinct to brag a bit or desire to let folks know if they are talented at something.. just let your play (not just wins/losses but good games) make your reputation, you don't need to soapbox it. If you have a thought or advice for someone, just give it... don't preface it with "well I placed xth in this big tourney" or "I win most of my games and.." or "when I won blank I found that".. there are times and places for that, but it's usually not in general or casual conversation. Good advice is good advice, no matter the source. Just giving good advice lets people know your good at the game without you having to tell them.

I was actually talking to a close friend of mine about how I handle new players or people with less than 10 games under their belt. After asking how many times they have played (or if they want to play my version of the demo game) I let them know that Armada is a game of experience and so not to get intimidated but to just play and have fun. Make mistakes because that is how you learn.

I don't think I tell people I am outright better than them or such, I do warn them that I have played a lot.

Do I really brag about my games here? I know the possible worst case was the store championship when I was using that as an example bit I think it may of been a misconstrued response like DtO is. Though I am learning not to reference both now. I think I will have a hard limit enforced for how many times I mention X event.

The only thing I would consider outright bragging is when you sometimes chime in with "I would just kill that list" or "please do that against me" with little other input. All in good fun though considering I like talking about plastic ships and ewoks.

What I dont get is people think I am bragging when I say I am a good Armada player. . . that makes no sense to me really. Its not a lie, people in my area rank me as in the top 3. Sure its pond versus ocean but it is not any less true. SO to me it is just what it is. I am not boasting about it or bragging about it, it is just fact to me. Sounds arrogant I think but that is how my mind works.

Many say to be humble and they dont understand that I actually am, and if I am not then I dont know when I am not. So confusing. .

The issue is you say it constantly.. if someone new is setting up to play you casually and says something like "well, I'm new at this" and you say one time "well I'm pretty good, been playing awhile. If you have any questions let me know" once that isn't a big deal. Here in the forums where pretty much all the regulars know you still hear you reference how good you are quite often, frequently while being defensive about a casual or even helpful comment.

Just play good. Everyone has an instinct to brag a bit or desire to let folks know if they are talented at something.. just let your play (not just wins/losses but good games) make your reputation, you don't need to soapbox it. If you have a thought or advice for someone, just give it... don't preface it with "well I placed xth in this big tourney" or "I win most of my games and.." or "when I won blank I found that".. there are times and places for that, but it's usually not in general or casual conversation. Good advice is good advice, no matter the source. Just giving good advice lets people know your good at the game without you having to tell them.

I was actually talking to a close friend of mine about how I handle new players or people with less than 10 games under their belt. After asking how many times they have played (or if they want to play my version of the demo game) I let them know that Armada is a game of experience and so not to get intimidated but to just play and have fun. Make mistakes because that is how you learn.

I don't think I tell people I am outright better than them or such, I do warn them that I have played a lot.

Do I really brag about my games here? I know the possible worst case was the store championship when I was using that as an example bit I think it may of been a misconstrued response like DtO is. Though I am learning not to reference both now. I think I will have a hard limit enforced for how many times I mention X event.

The only thing I would consider outright bragging is when you sometimes chime in with "I would just kill that list" or "please do that against me" with little other input. All in good fun though considering I like talking about plastic ships and ewoks.

Its is always in fun

I will cut down on that though. Had a friend point out a specific action I do in games with predicting peoples plays and so I now have something to watch for in my mind and a way to change it!

Thankfully, I have Admiral Theia, Betty, and Mikael to help point out other issues.

This thread makes me proud of the online community that we have here. I've seen a lot of wise posts, a lot of supportive comments, a lot of constructive feedback, and plenty of encouragement.

Go community!

I am actually happy with this thread. I was warned that it would devolve badly but it hasnt and I think it can help out many people who have these sorts of issues if they choose to change.

This is all I got to add to this:

This is all I got to add to this:

Lyraeus, my friend.

Just a little input regarding so called bragging.

You see, there are two things here. One is outright bragging, like constantly saying how awesome and good a player you are, and the lists you make are unbeatable, etc.

The other I call talking smack. That's when you for example are going to a tourney, you know people there, and you're like, oh you better watch out, Lupine, ima gonna whup you into next century!! I'm da best!!

The second is just friendly banter, and can enhance competition in a friendly way between friends. The first can get annoying and smack of arrogance.

I've been guilty of both. I try very hard not to fall into the first category. Not that I'm humble....I'm not. But I try to be a good, sportsmanlike player, and I do my best to encourage new victi.....err, new players, yes! To pick up the game.

My two Imperial creds.

Sorry Dras.....

Lyraeus, my friend.

Just a little input regarding so called bragging.

You see, there are two things here. One is outright bragging, like constantly saying how awesome and good a player you are, and the lists you make are unbeatable, etc.

The other I call talking smack. That's when you for example are going to a tourney, you know people there, and you're like, oh you better watch out, Lupine, ima gonna whup you into next century!! I'm da best!!

The second is just friendly banter, and can enhance competition in a friendly way between friends. The first can get annoying and smack of arrogance.

I've been guilty of both. I try very hard not to fall into the first category. Not that I'm humble....I'm not. But I try to be a good, sportsmanlike player, and I do my best to encourage new victi.....err, new players, yes! To pick up the game.

My two Imperial creds.

QFT

Here's the thing, 'talking smack', banter, and bombastic gloating is something you do that is targeted at an audience who knows and trusts your good intentions. It's an implicit statement of: "I know I can get away with this bad behavior because I know that you like me". It's a social bonding mechanism that falls absolutely flat when that liking and trust is absent.

It can even be just symbolic, like when I wear my "uniform" with all my medals from last year. It's why I only ever wear the thing with full regalia when I know that there's going to be a turnout of people who know which spirit I wear it in - not actual gloating, but as part of Imperial super-overconfidence. ("Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances.")

It can also be physical - back slapping, for instance.

Lyraeus, regarding your face-to-face relationships in our local community, there's a very small circle you can do this with. You and I engage in this because we've known each other for a year, but even so you and I have our slight ups and downs. If my assessment is correct, Max (whom I haven't seen for a while) and I are probably the only ones you could do this with. Theia probably as well, but that's about it. Your relationships with Beatty and Naboobo need repair.

And even so, relationships do have their ups and downs. People have different moods. Life is tough and people go through things. In order to use this srt of social bonding mechanisms that have the chance of failure, you need to have a good sense of where the other person is, emotionally, and - as you know - this is where you have your Achilles heel.

^^^^ what Mikael said.

I've gone to a tourney before dressed in full Imperial Fleet Admiral uniform (501st FTW!!). Most players tought it was cool. One actually told me he found it smacked of arrogance. Didn't help I crushed him and won the tourney.....lol. But still, different people are going to take things in different ways. The trick is to know this, and as Mikael says, this is your weakness.

^^^^ what Mikael said.

I've gone to a tourney before dressed in full Imperial Fleet Admiral uniform (501st FTW!!). Most players tought it was cool. One actually told me he found it smacked of arrogance. Didn't help I crushed him and won the tourney.....lol. But still, different people are going to take things in different ways. The trick is to know this, and as Mikael says, this is your weakness.

The thing is.... when I am bombastic and gloat in the Imperial way....

...the Dark Side rewards me through the dice.

^^^^ what Mikael said.

I've gone to a tourney before dressed in full Imperial Fleet Admiral uniform (501st FTW!!). Most players tought it was cool. One actually told me he found it smacked of arrogance. Didn't help I crushed him and won the tourney.....lol. But still, different people are going to take things in different ways. The trick is to know this, and as Mikael says, this is your weakness.

The thing is.... when I am bombastic and gloat in the Imperial way....

...the Dark Side rewards me through the dice.

Thank goodness I dont rely on my dice ^_~

The thing is.... when I am bombastic and gloat in the Imperial way....

...the Dark Side rewards me through the dice.

Thank goodness I dont rely on my dice ^_~

HATE YOU.

HATE YOU BOTH.

The thing is.... when I am bombastic and gloat in the Imperial way....

...the Dark Side rewards me through the dice.

Thank goodness I dont rely on my dice ^_~

HATE YOU.

HATE YOU BOTH.

Sacrifice some dice to the dice gods then.

Yeah hate to say it but here on the forums you come across as very arrogant and defensive. You speak as if you're expert or authority on the game. You can't say things like I'm good because x and y and because people rank me as this. That's text book bragging and being defensive. I'm good at x wing and armada. I don't go through and list all of my accomplishments or tell people why I'm good and how it is empirical fact.

Yeah hate to say it but here on the forums you come across as very arrogant and defensive. You speak as if you're expert or authority on the game. You can't say things like I'm good because x and y and because people rank me as this. That's text book bragging and being defensive. I'm good at x wing and armada. I don't go through and list all of my accomplishments or tell people why I'm good and how it is empirical fact.

That's actually a tell tale sign of low self esteem and seeking recognition to prove self worth but I definitely see where it could come across as bragging. Though, is it any less than those who post their accomplishments such as Vassal Winners, people who post top 8's and the like?

I try to use my experience and my victories and losses as a point that people can check into. Likely this comes off defensive to you but it is not, well to me it is not. As I stated before, everyone is good at the game, their skill level is what is more important. How do you rank up? THAT is the important part. How good are you compared to everyone else? I always accept challenges I love learning how others play!

Yeah hate to say it but here on the forums you come across as very arrogant and defensive. You speak as if you're expert or authority on the game. You can't say things like I'm good because x and y and because people rank me as this. That's text book bragging and being defensive. I'm good at x wing and armada. I don't go through and list all of my accomplishments or tell people why I'm good and how it is empirical fact.

That's actually a tell tale sign of low self esteem and seeking recognition to prove self worth but I definitely see where it could come across as bragging. Though, is it any less than those who post their accomplishments such as Vassal Winners, people who post top 8's and the like?

I try to use my experience and my victories and losses as a point that people can check into. Likely this comes off defensive to you but it is not, well to me it is not. As I stated before, everyone is good at the game, their skill level is what is more important. How do you rank up? THAT is the important part. How good are you compared to everyone else? I always accept challenges I love learning how others play!

Ok, one and only post on this thread. Lyr, I must admit that at first I didn't get you. Then, I learned more about you and began to take you in stride. I think this is an appropriate reaction. That said, we can all learn from those around us and I think that Beatty has given good advice on what that might look like.

I, however, would like to clue you in to a tendency you have. This is the third thread about this similar issue. I think this says two things: 1) This has remained an issue throughout and 2) the two previous threads didn't help (enough?). Hence, let me tell you what I have seen in those threads.

You have taken note in your OP that there is an issue. You state that it is a problem with your attitude that others don't like. These are positive recognitions IF you take responsibility for your attitude, no matter whether their response is appropriate or not. However, you don't end with this. When people (lets only take those that truly have knowledge of the issue and care for you) give you advice, you generally answer with some assortment of responses that alleviates, at least to you, your need to change, if you indeed desire reconciliation.

You might state that people mistake your assumed arrogance for actual arrogance but that it is truly a lack of confidence (as in the above reply) or you might note that you don't get the social clues. No matter the case, it seems that you defend yourself or your understanding of things in the face of every piece of advice. Hence, let me be straightforward out of a hope of helping, because I want you to keep playing games and having fun and because you are a valuable asset to the community. You must accept, fair or not, the reality that you will have to change the way you act, if not the way you view the world, in order to comply with the social norms of the gamers with whom you desire to play. It does not matter if you believe that you were solely responsible for a loss. It does not matter if your opponent is a casual player who wants to make numerous small takebacks. It does not matter. As long as it is not a moral issue of right or wrong, you will have to be the one to sacrifice the way you see things.

As a last note, let me encourage you in this way. In this thread you have defended yourself against the advice of numerous people. I was astounded that the thread lasted this long. I assumed that people would stop responding because you defended yourself instead of accepting advice. They didn't. They continued to try to help. That is MEANINGFUL. It means that they WANT to help you. That means that they CARE about you. Do you know why? It is because you obviously care, if not about them at least about the community. Please take encouragement in that. People care about you. I care about you. I hope you make it through this.

Go get 'em Lyr!

Lyr, I've watched your Armada Tactics News channel and I don't see what the problem is. You say you have asperger's, I assume that's true, but you really don't strike me as some kind of social retard. Yeah, you're nerdy, join the club. You strike me as a run-of-the-mill gaming store nerd; socially awkward, no fashion sense, etc. I think you put too much on the asperger's thing. Maybe you're a pain in the ass , maybe not...obviously you're community thinks so, I guess all I'm saying is stop blaming it on the disease; you have control over your actions, take responsibility, learn how to deal with people and move on. This is a blessing in that it means you have nothing holding you back, but also a challenge in that all the responsibility is on you.

Lyr, I've watched your Armada Tactics News channel and I don't see what the problem is. You say you have asperger's, I assume that's true, but you really don't strike me as some kind of social retard. Yeah, you're nerdy, join the club. You strike me as a run-of-the-mill gaming store nerd; socially awkward, no fashion sense, etc. I think you put too much on the asperger's thing. Maybe you're a pain in the ass , maybe not...obviously you're community thinks so, I guess all I'm saying is stop blaming it on the disease; you have control over your actions, take responsibility, learn how to deal with people and move on. This is a blessing in that it means you have nothing holding you back, but also a challenge in that all the responsibility is on you.

I don't think I blame the disorder and I don't understand how many of you think I am fighting back. I really am not. So confusing

Alright, look, I am kinda' lost. I need some clarification and some answers. Lyraeus has some sort of following on these forums, so I am fully expecting some ill responses. That's all fine and dandy--so long as I am enlightened. I am not targeting anyone's toes with my heel.

Anyways: Everytime I come here and read anything about Armada, I see Lyraeus posting something-- but it is almost always something bluntly arrogant or about himself. It's even gotten to where I see his name and I just skip the post or thread entirely; I already know he's the self-proclaimed son of Thrawn, so why do I need to hear more about it?

Continuing with my "skip it" clause, I have been ignoring this thread for awhile. In fact, my very first thought was "that thread is about himself again". Yet, it's gotten bigger and bigger. I eventually skimmed through some of the posts, and it appears that my first assumption was correct. The funny thing is that when it was thought to be someone else, the responses were generally that this Unknown Toxic Person should be talked to at the very least, and excluded from the community if that did not work. Then, once it was determined to actually be about Lyraeus, the replies turned into what comes across as "you've just got to be mindful of what you say and how you act, but know that everything is OK".

I see him brag, flaunt his own greatness, ask for advice then blow off the responses, challenge others to Vassal fights, etc. How is that perfectly acceptable? I have to be missing something.

Is he a minor? Is he elderly? Is he a hero who deserves to say what ever he wants? Am I just unfortunately always catching the 1% of the time that he displays face-slapping arrogance?

Again, I am not looking to ruffle anyone's feathers. I just feel like I don't know the whole story, and now would be the best time to find out since this thread is all about about how to deal with Lyraeus.

Edit: Well, I missed Rocmistro's response from just a little while ago. I think what he says explains everyone's strange attitude toward the matter. Thanks.

Yeah hate to say it but here on the forums you come across as very arrogant and defensive. You speak as if you're expert or authority on the game. You can't say things like I'm good because x and y and because people rank me as this. That's text book bragging and being defensive. I'm good at x wing and armada. I don't go through and list all of my accomplishments or tell people why I'm good and how it is empirical fact.

That's actually a tell tale sign of low self esteem and seeking recognition to prove self worth but I definitely see where it could come across as bragging. Though, is it any less than those who post their accomplishments such as Vassal Winners, people who post top 8's and the like?

Bragging usually is a tell tale sign of low self esteem and seeking recognition to prove self worth.... Posting on an accomplishment that just happened is different, or having a signature with stuff in it, this is about casual public conversation.

.

...you have control over your actions, take responsibility, learn how to deal with people and move on...

Maybe this helps?

I think StarTalk also did an interview with Temple Grandin who has a very interesting life story as an Autistic person and has been able to help explain some of the challenges she faced. Linked here.