A Visit From Darth Sidious
‘Twas the night before Sithmas,
And through the Death Star [1] ,
No creature was stirring,
Not e’en dianoga [2] .
Stockings hung by thermal exhaust port with care,
Foreseeing that Darth Sidious would be there.
Rebels nestled by Sullust, as their fleet was there massed,
Dreaming of Superweapons destroyed in a blast,
Yoda in robes, tucked in for final rest tight,
Below slept the Ewoks, deep as Han in Carbonite.
When down on forest moon, there arose such a clatter,
I force-leapt awake, to see what was the matter,
Up to the viewport, I flew at hyperspeed,
And opened it (as I had once a dorsal access port on an AT-AT).
The
moon
-
Space Station -
on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to Endor below,
When what did I sense, using the force?
But a desert skiff [3] pulled by eight tiny rancors,
With a little old Sith, fingers sparkling with lightning.
I knew in a moment, it was Emperor Palpatine.
More rapid than mynoks [4 ] h is coursers they came,
As he bellowed, ‘Good. Good.’ Then called rancors by name:
“Now Tarkin! Now Ozzel! Now Thrawn and Turr Phennir!
On Piet! On Marek! On Isard and Soontir!”
From Naboo to Kessel, his song through the ride,
“Give into hate! Turn to the Dark Side!”
Off through the galaxy, as if in pod-race,
When met with an asteroid, mount deeper to space,
And now through the trench [5] , t he rancors they flew,
A skiff full of lightsabers, and Sidious too –
‘pon which, like a Twi’lek [6] , I sensed up above,
The sound of a femur, snapping in a mouth [7] ,
I retracted my head, turning back in,
As down the exhaust port slid Sith Lord, cackling. [8] ,
He was dressed all in robes, from his feet to his head,
His skin grey and sagging, like something long dead.
Ah yes, a Jedi’s weapon, he held in his hands,
A gift of such magnitude I could not withstand,
His eyes – they glowed yellow! His dimples – they horrified!
His body sustained by the power of the Dark Side,
His face, old and evil, as though made of wax,
His Royal Guard in Red (such as Carnor Jax [9] ),
His apprentice beside him, more machine now than man,
Palpatine sat, throned on Battle Station.
Oh, his awful visage could make a Space Slug sick, [10]
Looking and smelling like gone off blue milk.
He was powerful and dark, a right Sithy old Lord,
And I ran when I saw him, armed with my lazer sword.
He jovially mocked about shields (operating),
And of sisters, scum rebels, and feelings betraying [11] .
He spoke arrogantly - but this was his weakness,
And with shout of ‘Noooo!’ [12] quick action by apprentice!
So the master was tossed to a death far below,
(Though in expanded universe he’d return as a clone).
But wait! Sithmas miracle! Cloak snagged on a ledge!
He hopped from reactor onto X-Wing of Wedge,
And I heard him exclaim, ere they flew toward the fleet –
“Happy Sithmas! And to all - Your journey to the Dark Side is now complete!”
Merry Sithmas one and all!
[1] The Second Death Star.
[2] The dianoga isn’t stirring because it’s sleeping, not because the trash compactor doors are closing.
[3] Specifically, the Ubrikkian Bantha-II Cargo Skiff.
[4] Mynoks aren’t particularly fast, but ‘varactyls’ didn’t scan well.
[5] The Death Star Trench, belonging, of course, the first Death Star, but used here with creative liberty.
[6] This poem erroneously assumes the head-tail protrusions, the ‘lekku’, of a Twi’lek serve a sensory function when they, of course, merely store fat and are used in communication.
[7] Remember, in Jabba’s Palace? The bone in the Rancor’s mouth? As with the tiny rancors, we can assume that the femur is proportionally smaller.
[8] Palpatine apparently being the slightly smaller than a Womp Rat.
[9] Carnor Jax was, of course, not present at the Battle of Endor, and was instead on Coruscant at the time. While this is an inaccuracy, the author points out that the Emperor didn’t ride a skiff pulled by flying rancors named after famous imperial officers and so not all references are to be taken so literally.
[10] An exogorth.
[11] It was, of course, Darth Vader who mocked about ‘feelings betraying’, but this is a Sithmas poem and should not, as previously mentioned, be considered accurate.
[12] The version of this poem where the apprentice doesn’t shout ‘Noooo!’ is no longer available.