Steven Hawking walks into a bar.

Steven Hawking walks into a bar.

Pfff, I can do one better:

Christopher Reeves walks into a bar

First heard this one recounted by Andrew Stanton (writer at Pixar; wrote all three Toy Story films) in a TED podcast:

[use your best faux Scottish brogue]

A tourist is backpacking through the Scottish Highlands when he stops in a pub. The only two other people in the pub are the bartender and an old man nursing a beer. The tourist orders a pint and sits down. After a few minutes, the old man says in a thick Scottish Brogue, "I built this whole pub wi' ma bare hands, chose the best wood in tha whole county and gave it more love and care than mah own child! But do they call me McGregor the bar-builder? Noo!"

He points outside the window - "D'ya see that stone wall there? Built tha whole thing wi' ma bare hands, laid every stone just-so in the mud and the rain, but do they call me McGregor the stone wall-builder? Noo!

"D'ya see that pier oot there? I built tha whole thing wi' ma bare hands, sunk the pilings in mysel', but do they call me McGregor the pier-builder? Noo!

"I tell ye, ye f**k *one* goat!..."

So that's why he was so up-tight in the Mos Eisley Cantina?

I once dated Ariel, the little mermaid .. she had sea cups

Too soon.

So when will enough time have passed?

The day she turns 18.

An Irish man walks into the church and immediately confesses to the priest there.

"Father, I have sinned. I cursed and was profane" the man said.

"There, there. You seem upset. Tell me what happened and maybe I can help you" the priest replied.

"Well, I was out golfing and I was trying out my new clubs. I had a couple of practice swings and the weight fell really good so I went up and hit a drive that just flew like it had wings, father. It landed on the green on a Par 4. A drive of 375 yards!" the man said

"Is that when you swore?" the priest asked

" No, father".

" I grabbed my clubs and took out my putter for my next shot when a squirrel ran out from the underbrush and grabbed my ball. The little varmint ran up another tree with my ball!"

"Is that when you swore?" the priest asked.

"No, father".

" Just as I was thinking I would have to take a drop, a hawk suddenly swooped in and grabbed the squirrel from the branch. It carried it high, high up into the air. The squirrel dropped my ball and it fell back on to the green. It rolled to 2 feet from the cup!"

"Is that when you swore?" the priest asked.

The Irish man just looked up at the priest, tears starting to swell in his eyes and the priest looked back, suddenly with understanding.

"You missed the f***king putt, didn't ya?" the priest said.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Go figure...

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

I once tried to play darts with a blind man, but he just wouldn't stick in the board.

"We don't serve your kind here."

A tachyon walks into a bar.

fixed so it's funny

Why don't Wookies smoke?

They Chewbacca instead

That was so bad I punched myself

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra..