For the life of me, I cannot figure out how to private message people via this forum.

Can you not do this, is the option hidden somewhere?

Step 1: Click on your profile (you can find it on the upper right of every page in the FFG site after you've logged in).

Step 2: Click on the "My Friends" tab in the "Friends" section of "Profile Options". You can find this at the left part of your screen, under your avatar (you may need to scroll down a bit).

Step 3: Click on the e-mail icon next to any of your friends.

Step 4: ???

Step 5: Profit!

Hope that helps.